2016

Wow I can't believe that I have made it through another year.  This year has been full of ups and downs. Everyone says that they have ups and downs in their lives but it's really not the same people talk about.  health getting worse,  constantly being sick and feeling so lonely and depressed and many other things. Month after months things got worse.  I'd lay awake at night praying,  wishing that I would make another day feeling better than yesterday.  But it got worse. During that time I let relationships with people slip. My 2016 was a mess.  But 2017 is going to be different.  I'm going to do everything I missed up better.  Everything is going to be different. I'm going to be different.

New Year

I have always loved the New Year. It always seem to tell me that I'm able to start over.  Every mistake I've made in the year before seems just like a memory. Every year people around the world make what is called a New year's resolutions. Each year as it gets closer to the new year I think of all the things I want change. Usually it's attitude towards people, how to be more involved with people and just little things like that. But this year has brought more stress and dispare which has me been been thinking about what I need to change and then I started thinking why do I have to change one thing for a year.  I have never been good with change so changing one thing has been hard. So this year I don't think I will be doing a new years resolution. But I'm excited to celebrate the new year!

What is Christmas

The Presents opened,  the dinner eaten, bellies filled, lots of laughs. The guests leave and the house once again gets cleaned. What a weird feeling of Christmas.  This year we focused on each other instead of receiving gifts.  Why? Because as many people don't know Christmas comes down to one thing.  Sure it's a pagan holiday but isn't a lot of the holidays we celebrate and love first started by pagans?  My family has always tried to make Christmas very simple while taking out the paganism out. We try and make it family time with some of the fun Christmas feels. Christmas shows the one time of year we aren't angry or hurt by words by family members.  I'm mean we're too busy enjoy our simple and special time together.  This year was different. Many many changes that made it hard for me.  I don't do well with change, I've made myself sick countless times because I'm unable to grasp ahold of something changing and it either causes stress or creates anxiety. With each new change or step this year has brought me, I'm so happy that I had a great Christmas.  So what is Christmas?  I've always been raised to see it as you have to spend it with family and we open gifts or read the Christmas story. But I'm Also hearing as I grow older, it's the gift of giving. But my family never celebratesit as that. What is Christmas?

Relationships

I'm not really good with relationships. I start to retreat from people when they get too close.  But I seemto have this "magnetic pull" that draws people to me according to my friend Cassidy.  Why is it I can draw someone to want to be around me but I retreat? I never really was tough much about people except that I am supposed treat someone like they're a hundred dollar bill. (The words of my dad)  But that doesn't mean anything with relationships and friendship.  Just how to treat a person.  Maybe I think too much of this. But there's are days when I don't like how close people try to get to me. How parents adore me because their children love me. How much one person can make your love the friendship with them but you're hating yourself the whole friendship. But I don't know how to change me or change the way I am. I don't know how to change my life.

Let Not The Damage Be Done

Some days of our friendship will leave you frustrated, may leave you hurt, make you smile but if you get anything from the time you spent with me is that I want a real genuine friendship. Not one I feel abandoned by or that I constantly hurt you because I feel it deep down in my soul and I am not strong enough to fix it. May it be one I can look back at all the good things we did and not at all the time I cried about how much I've hurt you.  I come with a "fragile handle with care warning." I'm not strong enough to do this on my own....