I was adopted at the age of 3, according to a picture that I came across one day though I was told 2 and a half., (so something is wrong here) to a wonderful parents who had 6 kids, had adopted two children from the same country as I was adopted just 2 years prior. Most people think that having 8 kids 10 and under is a crazy idea, but when God calls you to do something you don't care what people think. That's something I have taken out of living in such a big family. Family is something I love most about people. It to me is where love is poured out overflowing. It started with God looking on the world he made and wanted a deep relationship and thus created us in hopes that we would want to be part of his wonderful family. As wonderful as my family is or has been there's always this nagging desire of wanting time to go backwards in order to find out who I am. Who I am in the sense of a life I never lived and never will lived. Living the "What If" for as long as I can remember can be one of the most heartbreaking thing I've experienced. I don't do anything to change them and why is that?
Rewinding to when I was young, around 8 or 9 and I had woken up early at the Nichols house, I heard Sarah and went to investigate. I sat watching on the bottom of the stairs watching, taking in everything. When she played the piano I asked her to sing a certain song and she sometimes allowed me to sit on her lap while she played and sang, I loved listening to her voice so I would tell her that I couldn't sing just to hear her sing. (pianos make me sad and think of her now) I remember when she was reading the bible I asked her "when you think of adoption what do you think of?" Adoption is God's gift to us, Each of us has been adopted into his family. When your parents chose Sam, you, Seth and Cecelia God saw you and what you would mean and do to this family." He wanted you more for you and even if you don't ever understand what it is, I believe he wanted you to experience (yet she used a different word and I can't remember it) what you probably could have had but wasn't enough or you need." She continued to be my mentor since then, I would come up with more questions about adoption or family and we would talk about it. She was the only one who really knew how I felt about life as a Wenger and I didn't want my family to know because I didn't want to break their heart. I never wanted them to think I was rejecting them or didn't want to be a Wenger. It never was that. I just had questions and thoughts I needed answered before I was fully a Wenger. It was hard getting through life after her passing, I didn't have anyone to talk to about it anymore.
I started mentoring with Jill who married Lu Nichols about a year after Sarah passed and I had a hard time talking about where I was in my thoughts about Adoption, I one wasn't used to change and though Jill is absolutely wonderful I had told myself she wasn't Sarah. And she wasn't and she isn't. Slowly I opened up feeling comfortable talking some with her. She recently hit where it made me stop and think more and the more I thought the more I thought some more until it made me start stressing and I pushed it to the back of my brain hoping never to think about it again or talk about it again. Which she constantly encourages me to
Adoption is still raw and confusing but somewhere in there it means family and no matter how much I stick out or just never feel I'll fit into, they hold my heart. And Many wonderful people who have stepped into my life.
