Behind Every Smile There is a Story

 Life was so crazy and busy I lost control of everything. In order for this to make sense let me explain everything that went down starting on the night of Halloween 2017....

This Halloween I decided to help out with a Halloween Outreach that was happening on campus, I wanted to People to experience a radical change or something like that. I was already feeling nervous and I had this strange shooting pain in my lower part of my body. It didn't go away as the evening went on. I went on a treasure hunt (which you go people searching to pray for) and prayed for this girl dressed in an identical costume as myself and after praying for her the pain in my lower part of my body was gone. I pray for her often still today hoping and having faith she was healed from arthritis in her knees. As my group was walking back from our treasure hunt, my little brother stepped into Yogurt extreme while my older sister and I stayed outside. While Nessa and I were talking, a guy came up to us and started talking to me throwing compliments my way. He asked for my number when I refused gave me his number. Later that night I got asked out.. Stupidly I accepted, I don't know why or where my head was, but my brain convinced me that it was because he was kinda attractive and I was tired of being seen as someone who was so childish. My first date didn't feel like a first date. Felt like going out to coffee with any of my friends, except a tad bit awkward. The guy as nice as he seemed on the first date put so much pressure on me that I accepted another date and I wish I hadn't. 3 weeks went by and I heard from him about 2ish times, which I was fine by that. But by the 3rd week I was tired of the pressure I was getting from him, people and how I couldn't think and make decisions for myself and it felt suffocating. So after talking with people and a dream, I realized that I hadn't invited Jesus into the situation. So after inviting Jesus into it, I felt that this was not the path he was leading me. So after being in contact but only hearing from him twice I told him that I wasn't ready for a relationship and I didn't want to be in a relationship where I felt pressured.

Putting that in the back of my mind I started focusing on how I was to get through the month of November. My adoption date was coming up and every year I just felt a sense of unwantedness, hatred for whatever happened in my past, when I was a baby, jealousy even though it wasn't really aimed a certain person, depression, Last year it hit so hard I didn't think I would come out of it. This year I challenged myself hoping that I would be able to move on but it didn't quite work. So I blogged a little about where I was in regards with my adoption. But I was struggling as well in the area of relationship with people. All November I felt l was walking on eggshells with people. Whenever my emotions or feelings showed on my face people either wanted nothing to do with me or felt I was not expressing them properly. So I did what I knew how to do...Pull away and that made some people angry. Angry because I was expressing my feelings or emotions the way I felt to them wrong or because I started shutting people out.

Sometimes people hid things in their closet for so long because with insecurities and trust issues it hard to feel really heard and not fixed. What happened a year ago really changed a lot of who I am today..Sure I have guy trust issues but it doesn't start because what happened last year. Last year actually made me really see how messed up my thinking of guys was. Instead of thinking guys were many things (which any amazing guy in my life has proved to be the greatest friend) I decided that I wanted to try a year of lifting each and every one person in my life in the beautiful way I saw them.

Clothed in Beauty and Rich in Love

"A passionate woman is full of beauty."-Unknown

Tammy which is shorten for Tamara means Palm tree. Which is insane because as I was thinking about what to write about her, I got this picture of Tammy in Jerusalem dancing down in the streets while holding a palm branch....Almost like the vision of David dancing and was reminded of the song "As David did" but instead it replaced the name David with Tammy. She's a dancer, a worshiper and an incredible friend. She's an incredible foster mom...I marvel at how amazing she is at fostering. During the summer I had started to get together with her for a few hours. Though Summer was super busy and we weren't able to meet as we tried but the few times we got together I enjoyed it quite. Have you ever heard someone have such passion in their heart that the words that come out of their mouths paints the picture of Jesus being passionate about you. So much heart for Jesus. Tammy always finds the good in someone and always has something good or encouraging to say about people. She's intentional in spending time with people. Time with her is well spent.

Wrapped in God's love, she is given riches to which she continues to share with others.. Always hopes, always protects. doesn't delight in evil but rejoices in the good. If you haven't spent time with Tammy she's someone who is a Jamie Grace song "One of a Kind."  

The Time My Friend went Alien

An unfinished story I wrote with a old friend....

It was one of those dreary mornings. A fog bank covered the distant hills, and the grass was
covered with frost. We all prayed the roads would be fit for traveling, as ice made driving
difficult. I had no plans at all for that day. School, sure, food, sure, but nothing concrete that
would be classed as "out of the ordinary." That's what I thought at least...

Beep, beep went my sister's alarm... hoping my sister would shut it off I rolled over on my side trying to drown out the sound. Looking over at the alarm found that it was almost 6:00 to early for me to get up. Getting up from my bed I looked over to find my sister still sound asleep. "Great", I thought, "I don't know whether I should wake her or leave her alone." Walking over to my bed I turned on my radio as an alarm to wake her and then slid under my covers and fell back asleep. Waking a hour and half later to find a dreary cold world waiting. Not wanting to face the day I fell back asleep hoping to get more sleep. realizing that wasn't going to happen got up ready to face the day. I was praying for the day to go right and getting to school early proved to be right but as the day went on I started to feel all jittery...

"Brittany!" my name echoed up the hallway. "If you want a ride to school, I'm leaving for work right now!" I glanced at the clock. "Oh wow. Time sure does fly," I said to my parakeet as I finished my yoga session. "I'm coming!!" I shouted after a deep breath, then threw on the nearest pair of shoes. Staying up late certainly didn't make your morning very bright. That's how it goes, I suppose. I jumped into the back of our shuddering jeep before mom took off and dumped me on the front lawn of the school. There wasn't a person in sight. I was late again. I hollered a thanks to mom who was already peeling her way out of there. A resolution for me just came to mind; work on not being late. I'd love to do whatever it takes to change that factor. It's always so embarrassing walking into class once they've already begun. I slunk into our World History class and took a silent seat by my friend Allison. She looked really excited and nervous about something. Oh no, was there a test I forgot about? No, there's a test on Monday, surely not one today... what was she so jittery about then?

Finally the last bell rang signaling the end of school. I was glad to be able to make it through
since my mind was wandering, along with my body acting up. Walking inside my house my mom took one look and said, "Allison what's wrong? Are you coming down with something?" Shaking my head no, I wondered why I was all of a sudden jittery. Once upstairs I rushed to finish my homework before receiving a text from Brittany asking if I was alright. Texting back I responded that I was a little jittery for some weird reason but other than that I was as right as rain. As I put my phone down I had the urge to throw up and rushed to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and noticed something strange...

I knew something was up. I didn't get a chance to talk to Allison between classes, or after
school, so I texted her once I got home. She said she was as right as rain, but I didn't believe it. She didn't even like the rain. So why would she be as right as it? "It's only a few blocks to her house," I said thinking, "this might call for a little surprise visit..." Mom wasn't home from work yet, so I left a note in the kitchen, letting her know where I'd be if I wasn't back for dinner. I went through the back yard, encouraging our Newfoundland to follow me. I always felt safer going on walks with him. Arriving at 223 Oak Street, I scurried up the front steps on their blue painted porch. My big black dog took a seat and gave me a look that said 'I'll keep watch while you're inside.' I knocked at the door quickly before bursting in. For some reason I was really nervous. Something seemed like it was wrong. But was there a problem? Allison's mother said a cheery hello while removing cookies from the oven. She seemed okay. Maybe there wasn't a problem. I was just imaging things. "Allison is upstairs," she told me and I nodded my thanks before advancing to the staircase. I whirled onto the landing and paused for a breath. The bathroom light was on. I stepped up and knocked quietly, then stepped back. Allison mumbled something from the inside.

My nails, normally long, were shaped in a bent position and my face had went from a
normalish look to a way beyond normal... I had turned white. Which was a little different for me since I had never been white in my life. As soon it happened, and was all over, my skin turned normal and everything was normal. Or was it?... I mumbled something after I heard a knock at the door. Opening it, I was surprised and happy to see Brittany standing there. The look on her face showed that she was worried. "How are you?" she asked me. "I'm fine," I said, "though for some reason I've been jittery -- but guess what," I said changing the subject. When my friend gave me the look that changing the subject wasn't helping, I gave her my favorite smile (the one she always fell for). "What? What?" She said. I shrugged enjoying the little teasing I was giving her. "I don't remember, so I guess it's not very important but I got a book about aliens..."

I was glad to see she was okay, but something was fishy. I could sense it. We walked into her bed room, the red walls welcoming us. Allison had a book she wanted to show me. Aliens? I thought when she mentioned it. Okay then... didn't quite seem like her. I mean, who was into all that UFO stuff anyway? Then again, it's possible that space creatures could exist... what am I saying? My friend plopped onto her bed and grabbed the book that was sitting on the shelf next to it. "Here it is," she announced, and began to flip through it, exclaiming at images of blurry blobs in the black sky. I sat down next to her, just as her mom knocked on the door. "Cookies!" she exclaimed and waved a plate in our faces. Me, loving cookies, grabbed one (okay, two) and ate them up after saying thank you. They were chocolate, so Allison didn't take any. We continued to leaf through the book; Allison very excited; me trying to be. Sure, don't get me wrong, it was cool. But... aliens? Really? After a few more minutes, the back cover came into view. It was over. She asked me what I thought. Was that a trick question? Maybe she didn't even like aliens... but if I say yes to be nice, she could really just be messing with me... my thoughts came in a flood. I told her the truth, "I think it's very interesting, Allison. But what I'm really wondering is, why did you just show that to me?" Hopping up to go close the door that led to the hall, she told me she had something to tell me...

 I explained to Brittany how my face turned white for about 10 seconds and also how my nails bent in a stranger position then how they already were. I also told her how I didn't want anyone to know but when she started worrying, I knew she would press until I told her. "Tell me what?" she asked. I didn't answer for the longest time and when I did my eyes flashed. Literally flashed, sending and adding colors to my eyes. I swallowed and paced the room until I finally looked at her with my eyes back to their normal color. "But wait," I thought, "she must had seen my eyes"... So I asked her. "Did something feel or look a little weird to you?" When she shook her head I decided to ask my fearfully question. "Did my eyes flash or turn colors while I was talking to you?" I asked hoping she saw it. When she once more shook her head I swallowed a second time and though I tried to not hide it, I knew she was going to think I went insane. I told her anyways. "I think and am afraid I might be turning into a Alien..."


Now I was the one that started pacing, saying to myself, "No no no, this can't be
happening...this doesn't happen. This CAN'T happen...can it?" Allison sat on the bed, watching me closely as I stepped from one end of the room to the other. I was so confused by this news. How could this be? "Maybe she really is crazy..." I told myself, but I knew it couldn't be true, we had been friends for years. The chance that she might be playing a joke on me had already been blown; she would have been laughing her head off by now. Something really WAS wrong. She continued to watch me with deep, fearful eyes, as I continued to try to think of what we could do. Footsteps on the stairs. Allison gave me a look that said "Do not say anything" right before her mom came into the bedroom. I slapped on a cheerful face as we greeted her. She had more cookies. I wasn't in the mood, but I took one to be polite. Once it was obvious she had retreated all the way back down the stairs, I tried to calm Allison down. She had started shaking. 

I could tell Brittany didn't believe me and I wasn't sure I believed myself. You don't just turn
Alien. I was a alien but there were many descriptions to the word. My being adopted was to be considered until I was a American citizen. But that Alien type wasn't what I was talking about and I somehow didn't know how to explain it to anyone. Not even to myself. As I started to shake I saw Brittany out of the corner of my eyes and what I saw was concern. She wasn't giving me a look that I was out of my mind. Still I had the hunch she didn't believe me and was only concerned that I had gone insane. "Want to go for a walk?" I asked her hoping to get her mind off of what I had just told her. When she nodded I got my brightest coat since it was such a cold day and we walked downstairs where I let my mom know we were going to go out. She agreed to let us go, after inviting Brittany back to dinner. My mind kept me from saying anything. Looking at Brittany, I saw that she kept looking at me half smiling. I didn't blame her, it's not everyday your best friend goes crazy. But I wasn't crazy. Was I?

Their front door clicked shut behind us as I pulled it closed. Cabbage stood up to greet us.
Allison shrieked and jumped back, "did you really have to bring that creepy dog along?" "Allison, it's okay. He'll be good." He slunk down the steps behind us as we took off, his big paws rhythmically pounding on the concrete walk. Allison stole a few glances at him, to make sure he was keeping a good ways away from her. A few cars passed as we walked down the street. A biker went by every now and then. Some lady was out jogging and passed us. I took a deep breath. We were always so comfortable just knowing we were together, but this time, we needed to have a conversation. A conversation about what was really going on. I wanted to clear this up. Could I? "Allison," I started. We stopped under a big tree, the sunshine shone through its leaves and into our eyes. I squinted to look at her. "What is going on with you? This isn't normal." I began to wonder if she even knew. 

This could be a problem. As Brittany started talking, my mind wandered until I heard, "We need to talk about it." I snapped my head towards her sighing. "Brittany I don't want to talk about it. There is no need as I see it." I could see she was about to argue but than her creepy dog decided that he was interested in coming near me. Before I knew it I changed completely into a greenish-pink Alien right in front of Brittany in that same instant. As soon as it happened I was back but I was not the same and I suspected Brittany thought so too. 

"Allison..." I heard my name being said but it meant nothing compare to the scare I gave my best friend. Facing her again I didn't smile nor did I move. Just stared down at the ground.. Finally after what seemed like awhile I looked up and smiled. "Brittany," I said, "I can't let anyone know because I'm afraid that what just happened might happen again but this time in public. But it would be kinda funny at the same time." Still no smile from Brittany. I looked sideways at her and noticed that she wasn't staring at me but at the sky...

"WHAT in the world just happened?!" my mind screamed within my head. Mentally, I was
freaking out. But I knew I needed to keep it together. For the sake of our sanity. Must...remain...calm... I took a deep breath. Whatever was going on, we needed to handle it. And we needed to handle it well. I looked up at the sky. Allison started to say something, but then stopped. I was thinking. I'm sure she was as well. "What if... what if, you really are an alien?" I asked barely above a whisper. My words rung in the silent air. The wind blew through the leaves of the tree above us. I shivered. "We should get back." With that, we started walking towards her house. Still thinking. Still wondering. And still freaked out. What else could we do? After making sure Allison was safely in her bedroom, I rushed back to my house and started tapping away on my computer. But I knew that I could contact doctors and scientists until my face turned blue without finding a solution. All they would want to do is stick her in some high- tech hospital for the rest of her life and study this strange "phenomenon." And THAT wasn't going to happen. "She's going to be okay..." I told myself, "she has to be." I woke up to Cabbage barking, only to realize I had fallen asleep. What was going on? I popped my head out the window. There was this bright colored bundle of something wiggling over our back fence. I didn't know why I was outside at 3 in the morning, but when you're not normal weird stuff happen. 

As I heard Cabbage barking I looked towards Brittany's window seeing her head looking out. I was almost tempted to go throw a pebble at her window but thought against it. Light flashed from behind me I turned around to feel the light of a flashlight in my face. "Who's out there," went Brittany's voice. Shuddering inside I felt ready to run but knew that would do no
good. But I didn't turn around hoping she would go back to her house so I could ran back to
mine. Before I knew it though, the wicked dog Cabbage started tearing at my leg and barking. I freaked out and started to run away and scream.

 Turning back to my room after closing the window, I blinked away the image of what I just saw. Either that was one wimpy burglar, or someone that... oh. It dawned on me. That must have been Allison. What was she doing running around at three in the morning? Something must be wrong. I pulled on some shoes as I tripped down the stairs and pulled a coat off the rack by the door on my way out. I hesitated on the porch then ran back inside. My mom would worry if I wasn't around when she got up in a few hours, so I left a note in the kitchen. Then I bolted out of the house and onto the freezing, abandoned street. No Allison in sight. Cabbage must have frightened her, I thought. Who wouldn't be scared of a giant black dog in the dead of night? Speaking of Cabbage, I should probably take him with me. Wandering the town in the dark with no protection was a bad idea. Was Allison alright? I asked myself. I was worried. It wasn't that far to her house, and I got there quicker as I ran; my feet pounding on the pavement matching my heart beat. The front door was locked when I got there (figures) and so I ran around to stand under her window. The light was on, and I could see her pacing back and forth. I frantically looked around the yard for a rock. I threw it at the window... a little too hard. It broke. She screamed really loud and I gasped from the grass below, clasping my hands over my mouth. A light on the first floor turned on; her parents. Great. Just what we needed. Allison threw the rock back at me and told me to hide. She pulled the curtains and dealt with her parents, explaining somehow what happened. I felt so terrible. This was turning into a disaster.


After getting talked to about my window I sat on my bed thinking. I need a plan. A plan to find out why I am an Alien. And I need to find it fast. Waking up late on a Wednesday morning I had thought of no plan. I rushed through getting ready for school, choosing my favorite autographed shirt which I pulled on along with a pair of worn but well loved jeans. Lastly I grabbed my brightest coat. Brushing my teeth, I heard my phone buzz signaling I got a text. I opened it seeing that it revealed a text from Brittany asking me to meet her after my choir practice at school. Wondering if it was about last night, I texted her back telling her to act like last night's weird happenings didn't happen. "Allison!" yelled my mom pulling me out of my daydream. Looking at the time I realized if I didn't hurry I'd be real late for school. That was one thing I didn't want to happen. I told my mom goodbye before running to the bus to greet a new day of school.  "Pretend like it didn't happen?" I asked her as we bumped along down the hall in between classes. She glanced side to side and whispered loudly, "Britt, I don't think this is a good time." Everyone was rushing to get to their classes last minute. Why do people do that? "This is ridiculous, as always," I said to her, changing the subject. She was right. This was a bad time. What was I thinking? I needed to act like a civilized human being. I stopped dead in my tracks and gave her a long look as she kept walking. 

She noticed I stopped and turned around. "What's wrong?" I know I'm a human being... but is she? And are we close to being civilized? Surely not. My thoughts ended abruptly when a football player leveled me as he dashed down the hall. It was Kyle. He offered me a hand up and apologized. You don't have time for boys! My brain screamed at me, You're in the middle of a crisis! He had kind eyes, and a nice smile... I tried to smile politely back, and explain that it's no big deal, and that I'm alright. He looked ready to start a conversation, and I told myself that I just needed to get out of there. Allison poked me back into reality and I flashed Kyle a smile before I left him wondering my name. "Sorry about that," I tell Allison. She was silent; this worried me. Her eyes darted about, nervous. And her brain was clearly elsewhere. I suddenly got an awful feeling that an Alien moment was coming on...
“No” my mind screamed, I wasn't ready for this...

Kill them with Kindness

"Kind Heart, Fierce mind, Beautiful spirit."

What I love about Kelsea is that she has such a tender yet fierce love for people. Most people I look up their names and usually a word about them pops out of their name. Kelsea is such an old English name it always gets confused or mixed with Chelsea so I was unable to find a word that describes her. But as I kept thinking more about Her I kept hearing, fiercely loving which was two words and it felt so much like Kelsea. She's the kind of person that you feel complete safe talking with and she has so much gentleness and wisdom it's wonderful. I actually haven't known Kelsea as long as most of the people I've written about, but from the moment we met, I felt like 3 years becomes a lifetime of friendship mostly with her. I first met her when she was dating Peet. He was so excited for his friends and family to meet this amazing girl. The day she came for her first visit I had the privilege of being one of the first people to meet her. The first thing she did when she met me was by giving me a hug. Which would probably be one of the things you  wouldn't want to do as I am not a hugger or fond of them. But Kelsea is a hugger and as I grew to know her more and much about her, her hugs became something I almost started craving. Her hugs I remember thinking when comparing them that they made me imagine Jesus hugging me. She's a fantastic mom and as Grace her sister-in-law described her voice... She truly does have a voice like an angel.

Sometimes people in your life turn out to be better than you imagined them to be. Sometimes they're a little gift that you never expected to receive and then you always want to treasure it forever. Some people in your life are there to encourage your heart towards Jesus. She's a fierce loving friend!