Soul Rant

I'm going to rant a little bit. Why? well because I'm tired and in pain and I'm not sleeping and it feels like hell on earth. So I don't if you all know this but I have been a middle child for a good portion of my life. Sometimes I feel overlooked or sometimes I wasn't given what I really wanted (I'm not going to explain that too tired) but as much as life wasn't going my way I outgrew childish ways and strived to be more loving, less about myself, putting others needs before mine even if it meant their happiness. I saw what happiness looks like and how much we crave it. I crave it daily and I have been told so many points in my life that Jesus is the happiness we need or we find true happiness in Jesus and so I embraced that way of thinking. Hoping that he would do just that for me. I'm not sure where I went wrong but it feels like the last 3 weeks have just been really testing my faith, health issues, overwhelming amount of sadness, pain, relationship/ friendship problems (whatever you call them) and through it all I've asking Jesus When is this going to end? When will you make yourself more real and vibrant to me and to this world? Because I can look all happy and smiling face for the world and never look like I have a bad day and nothing can hurt anymore than it can. Goodness I wish we all could live like that but if anyone asked me how my week has been, I would probably just say it is not terrible but the truth be told, I don't understand why it's not getting better. I struggle with so much things inside you don't want to know or do know and we've gotten nowhere. I'm trying, I'm struggling to find Jesus in the way Peet, Kelsea, Adam, Shaina Jill, Lu my parents my siblings, my church group, all of them who has this amazing relationship with him and yet here I sit, angered filled, confusion built and shameful that I don't deserve happiness. That I can never have it no matter how much I want it, where I go to find it and with that I forget everyday who Jesus is and all he has done for me. I couldn't even be honest with myself about this for many years and I don't know if I allowed or people assumed my relationship with Jesus was great until I did the unthinkable and started dating someone who could steer me away from the Lord. When the only person who can do that is me and I have been doing that back and forth for 2 years now. Anyways my rant is not over but I am in too much pain to continue, so much tears is happening that I soon won't see what I am writing.