Isn't it crazy how humans work? I've been dealing with my body weight y'all for who knows when. I've been told that I'm too skinny and need to eat more, or that I'm not too skinny or I don't weight enough for my height or my body knows what's perfect for itself but that doesn't really help when I try on clothes and tell myself if only I could add a few more pounds on me but eating 3 meals a day is such a struggle unless I want two thrown up on the floor. Never struggled with losing weight but the moment someone wishes that they were my weight I feel like I'm not the perfect weight but then I start the cycle all over again. I don't like conversations that start with weight and losing weight because I feel like if I say something I'm going to get a conversation with "Oh you need to gain more weight or you don't need to lose any more. No I need to get over the insecure or the obsession that we need to be a perfect size and nothing is ever perfect in our eyes.
Let me tell you a secret that I've only ever told not even a handful of people in my life. I went through a life of anorexia. How did I know what it was like living in the family I lived in? How did I carefully keep it going well hidden even though I think people knew? How did I even know what it was as a young child who couldn't watch PG movies? People let me first tell you that kids are dangerous information seekers and people who are oh so very curious. I know that through the 10 years I've worked with kids. I love how they love learning and growing but the way the world okays it makes it dangerous for a kid. Also I'm not going to go into all that. But for me it happened through reading at such a young age. I won't get into the story online but you're free to ask me in person. But I didn't even know what that word meant because I couldn't even say it with such a speech impairment thing I had, still have trouble today with certain words. But I also saw someone I thought was the most beautiful person in the world and I took her advice on how to look beautiful because I remember how I was when I first got adopted and I didn't want that throughout adulthood. But I learned that it was a harmful deadly thing to do. While I won't tell you how long it lasted or why I did it, But I think it was just easy doing it because as a child I either was afraid of never being able to eat until I was full or I was sick so much as a child (totally different as an adult now) but it created habits that I have always never been good to break out of or I trained my body so well that as I grew out of living a life of anorexia I don't know how to rewire my brain. And if you're curious on which one I was, A little bit of all 3 (because I think there's 3 or 4 different ones)
As I'm talking a step in changing my thinking or habits in life, this isn't something I'm too keen about sharing face to face. Some people I felt very comfortable talking about this with and more in depth than what I wrote here while others will have to wait. Because as I'm taking a step in growing, changing and finding myself this year I'm still very private in many ways. Help isn't easy and defeat doesn't come without tears. But I'm trusting healing will be so breathtaking and relieving in so many ways. So As you read this, read this with a different prospective, a heart not of grief and pain but amazed how people fight a battle inside you know nothing about no matter how beautiful and perfect their life looks on pictures or on social media. This is all I have to say on this rambleness (Yes I know it's not a real word, but that's me, I make up words) and I hope you felt maybe some enjoyment, encouragement reading this.
