There's comes a moment in everyone's life when they hit a point where life feels like a joke or a wonderful gift. But I have spent the last year wishing and hoping that I would get something wonderful out of life. People say I have friends and family who love me so I shouldn't be writing what I'm wanting to say. But I say screw anyone who says that I can't write what I really feel, spent enough of my life listening to people tell me what I can or can't do with my feelings. Coming into this year I wanted everything to be better than last year, to find the love I crave.To find who I am as a child of God and myself. To be able to look at my past and fix any mistakes that can be fixed, move on from it in a good healthy way and be excited for what's to come. Relationships to be stronger and healthy and to discover myself. But instead I'm feeling the pain of hurt, confusion and rejection I receive so therefore I give it back to anyone. The love I feel doesn't express itself, so instead I try and grab hold of something everyone else throws around hoping that I would have it. No one really knows I'm lonely because I try to make myself forget about me as much as I can and give to others in ways I feel sad that I'm not receiving. The love and time I put into others makes others look at me and sing my praises but I look at them and with silent crying eyes ask themto help me. I ask them to please show me what real love is. "What does it really mean to truly love and want to be part of something when I feel like running but I'm stuck because of the weight of becoming a failure to anyone even if it may be controlling my life. Is it too much to ask or should I stop people who saythey want to be a part of my life but aren't really?" Life also leaves many questions and choices. Choices I know by posting this I made one choice that will lead to another. May they be good or bad choices. I'm ready to throw my hands up and give up on life. To give up on anything and everything but I can't...or I won't?
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