This Halloween I decided to help out with a Halloween Outreach that was happening on campus, I wanted to People to experience a radical change or something like that. I was already feeling nervous and I had this strange shooting pain in my lower part of my body. It didn't go away as the evening went on. I went on a treasure hunt (which you go people searching to pray for) and prayed for this girl dressed in an identical costume as myself and after praying for her the pain in my lower part of my body was gone. I pray for her often still today hoping and having faith she was healed from arthritis in her knees. As my group was walking back from our treasure hunt, my little brother stepped into Yogurt extreme while my older sister and I stayed outside. While Nessa and I were talking, a guy came up to us and started talking to me throwing compliments my way. He asked for my number when I refused gave me his number. Later that night I got asked out.. Stupidly I accepted, I don't know why or where my head was, but my brain convinced me that it was because he was kinda attractive and I was tired of being seen as someone who was so childish. My first date didn't feel like a first date. Felt like going out to coffee with any of my friends, except a tad bit awkward. The guy as nice as he seemed on the first date put so much pressure on me that I accepted another date and I wish I hadn't. 3 weeks went by and I heard from him about 2ish times, which I was fine by that. But by the 3rd week I was tired of the pressure I was getting from him, people and how I couldn't think and make decisions for myself and it felt suffocating. So after talking with people and a dream, I realized that I hadn't invited Jesus into the situation. So after inviting Jesus into it, I felt that this was not the path he was leading me. So after being in contact but only hearing from him twice I told him that I wasn't ready for a relationship and I didn't want to be in a relationship where I felt pressured.
Putting that in the back of my mind I started focusing on how I was to get through the month of November. My adoption date was coming up and every year I just felt a sense of unwantedness, hatred for whatever happened in my past, when I was a baby, jealousy even though it wasn't really aimed a certain person, depression, Last year it hit so hard I didn't think I would come out of it. This year I challenged myself hoping that I would be able to move on but it didn't quite work. So I blogged a little about where I was in regards with my adoption. But I was struggling as well in the area of relationship with people. All November I felt l was walking on eggshells with people. Whenever my emotions or feelings showed on my face people either wanted nothing to do with me or felt I was not expressing them properly. So I did what I knew how to do...Pull away and that made some people angry. Angry because I was expressing my feelings or emotions the way I felt to them wrong or because I started shutting people out.
Sometimes people hid things in their closet for so long because with insecurities and trust issues it hard to feel really heard and not fixed. What happened a year ago really changed a lot of who I am today..Sure I have guy trust issues but it doesn't start because what happened last year. Last year actually made me really see how messed up my thinking of guys was. Instead of thinking guys were many things (which any amazing guy in my life has proved to be the greatest friend) I decided that I wanted to try a year of lifting each and every one person in my life in the beautiful way I saw them.
I just read this. It was beautiful.
ReplyDelete