What Loves Really Means For Me

 One of the things I've noticed over the years is how relationships can change everything or anything. For example when I was in middle school I met this girl through my cousins' best friends. She was my cousin's best friend's cousin. I used to think it was the greatest thing ever. We were friends for 9 years and she became my best friend. She knew everything about me and was so easy to talk to and gave amazing advice. She was exactly what I needed in my childhood of life. I felt secure and loved through my one safe friendship. But the moment I was told by her that she couldn't balance our friendship anymore it changed everything. Everything felt broken and I never thought I was ever going to move through it. Even as I grew to friendlier and develop friendships/relationships with people, my heart was never fully in them.

 Another example is Love: I grew up in a loving, amazing home. Parents loved each other, siblings got along pretty well with each other but as I grew up and could fully understand what love was, I started hating it. Love took too many of the people I loved, I had no desire to fall in love with anyone just to have them leave me or die. Many people have asked me if I believe in love or think I'll ever find love. My response to them has always been this: "I'm not against it, I'm terrified of it. But I don't believe I'll never find it. I found it again 6 years ago when one of the sweetest girl that I love was born, and again when I became an aunt for the first time and 5 more times after that. It's continues to show me what it really means the more I choose not to be afraid of it." Because I don't say I love you to every friend, family member doesn't mean I don't love them. For me Love isn't the words I say. It's when my mom asks me to fill the dishwasher and not only do I do that but I clean the whole kitchen. It's asking a mom if I could watch her kids so she could spend time to herself. It's in so many ways I choose to use my friends and family's love language and go beyond mine. 

In the 4ish years I have discovered 1. friendship/relationships have shaped me in many ways. 2. I still feel the same about friendships/relationships as I did 4 years ago. They take so much work and by the end of the day I feel empty. 3. Reading this I am so Thankful that even in moments I totally hate love the people in my life still continue to pour love into my life. And some remind me that love is not proud, rude, anger, self-seeking, keeps no record of wrong and never delights in evil. And it all comes from the one who is love. 4. Love is scary but it is one of the best feelings. It's a hug, a kiss, a smile and a giggle, note, song and even a gift and it grows.