People are Crazy or is it Just Me?

 Isn't it crazy how humans work? I've been dealing with my body weight y'all for who knows when. I've been told that I'm too skinny and need to eat more, or that I'm not too skinny or I don't weight enough for my height or my body knows what's perfect for itself but that doesn't really help when I try on clothes and tell myself if only I could add a few more pounds on me but eating 3 meals a day is such a struggle unless I want two thrown up on the floor. Never struggled with losing weight but the moment someone wishes that they were my weight I feel like I'm not the perfect weight but then I start the cycle all over again. I don't like conversations that start with weight and losing weight because I feel like if I say something I'm going to get a conversation with "Oh you need to gain more weight or you don't need to lose any more. No I need to get over the insecure or the obsession that we need to be a perfect size and nothing is ever perfect in our eyes.

 Let me tell you a secret that I've only ever told not even a handful of people in my life. I went through a life of anorexia. How did I know what it was like living in the family I lived in? How did I carefully keep it going well hidden even though I think people knew? How did I even know what it was as a young child who couldn't watch PG movies? People let me first tell you that kids are dangerous information seekers and people who are oh so very curious. I know that through the 10 years I've worked with kids. I love how they love learning and growing but the way the world okays it makes it dangerous for a kid.  Also I'm not going to go into all that.  But for me it happened through reading at such a young age. I won't get into the story online but you're free to ask me in person. But I didn't even know what that word meant because I couldn't even say it with such a speech impairment thing I had, still have trouble today with certain words. But I also saw someone I thought was the most beautiful person in the world and I took her advice on how to look beautiful because I remember how I was when I first got adopted and I didn't want that throughout adulthood. But I learned that it was a harmful deadly thing to do. While I won't tell you how long it lasted or why I did it, But I think it was just easy doing it because as a child I either was afraid of never being able to eat until I was full or I was sick so much as a child (totally different as an adult now) but it created habits that I have always never been good to break out of or I trained my body so well that as I grew out of living a life of anorexia I don't know how to rewire my brain. And if you're curious on which one I was, A little bit of all 3 (because I think there's 3 or 4 different ones) 

As I'm talking a step in changing my thinking or habits in life, this isn't something I'm too keen about sharing face to face. Some people I felt very comfortable talking about this with and more in depth than what I wrote here while others will have to wait. Because as I'm taking a step in growing, changing and finding myself this year I'm still very private in many ways. Help isn't easy and defeat doesn't come without tears. But I'm trusting healing will be so breathtaking and relieving in so many ways. So As you read this, read this with a different prospective, a heart not of grief and pain but amazed how people fight a battle inside you know nothing about no matter how beautiful and perfect their life looks on pictures or on social media. This is all I have to say on this rambleness (Yes I know it's not a real word, but that's me, I make up words) and I hope you felt maybe some enjoyment, encouragement reading this.

Secrets Don't Make Friends

 How many times have you heard "Secrets don't make friends? As a kid I heard that so much whenever someone would whisper something to someone else.  "Secrets are something I keep buried deep inside me. A lot of people think because I am bubbly and friendly my life is an open book. Some stranger once asked me what was something I was keeping hidden away from everyone and why? I asked them why they were asking me this and their response was this yet a terrifying response. "Everyone hides something deep inside them. I kept for the longest time I was a lesbian from my family and friends. I married a wonderful man but I wasn't happy, I was afraid of The rejections, the disappointment and the pain I would be causing if I came out of the closet. It's not not worth keeping whatever you have buried deep inside for years. It caused 7 years of a confusing marriage, strain relationships and unhealthiness that came with it. Look at many celebrities and other people who kept their secrets buried deep inside and never talked with someone or even themselves." I sat chewing on that for many years and thought "Hmm maybe she was right, Maybe I should look at secrets or things I buried deep inside, it might be good to bring what is hidden in darkness into the light. But here I lay writing this as I am texting my boyfriend affirmation texts, I don't believe some secrets are bad. Secrets help me trust people, they help me understand the way the world works. And somewhere in there it gives me hope. Now someone following Jesus may look at this and wonder, "if you believe in Jesus why is it that you put your trust in secrets, your views and your hope in this?" I can imagine Sarah reading this and sending me an email about how beautiful it is to put my hopes in Jesus, how much we can learn on him in everything and trust him always. Her simple faith is something I still see as something I can never be or do. I can never understand such love he has for us. I don't understand the simplicity of it but I have secrets in me as long as the sun rises and sets. So I'm telling you all this why? First of all, "why do I write anything?" Most things I don't share in person because it's hard to hold a solid conversation without me stumbling over a word or two, writing things helps you hear more of me than I say in person. And remember this is mostly for myself. I look back and read everything I wrote on this and try to continue to leave a life for Jesus even if it seems like I'm confused because most days I am. Just being honest here.  But let's not get off track of what I was actually writing. I'm telling you all this because you may see a woman who has the S.I.C. personality on the D.I.S.C. profile when she is with people and she may seem as one who talks non stop and has so much energy to overwhelm you but inside she has secrets and things she wants to keep hidden, not because she's afraid. But because she has been down the road of trusting people, hoping for the best that something in her life will change and realizing that they don't define her or control any of that she keeps her secrets and thrives. She keeps a part of her she doesn't want people to see because she is not that person anymore. Plus I think the advice some stranger gave her would have held fruit if she didn't start trusting that whatever she has buried deep inside will come to surface in the Lord's time. So for now I'm going to keep on, keep on.

Dance with Me

So this is a post on looking at the christian world. Please know that there's no judgement from me when writing this and if the link works please listen to the song. 

I'm not exactly sure when I heard this song but I think it was when I was 10-12 years of age and I remember hearing this song and thinking thiswas a beautiful anthem for the Lord. I listened to it over and over until I knew every word by heart. I was so enamored with him that I wanted to listen to more of his music and I remember doing this when I was around 15-16 years of age and being completely shocked by what I read. This person wrote the song that was like my anthem for God but during all of this was falling away from the lord. His other music was filled with hate and frustrations with God. He never returned back to the Lord and this song was the only one that he wrote to the Lord. I have since heard of so many wonderful singers that have lead people to God through their music but they themselves never ever believed in what they wrote and sang about. Almost 10 years down the road I look at my life and my relationship with the Lord and it's a mile long of hurt, confusion, anger and even bits of hatred towards him and all this time he has brought me out of many things. I've never fully walked away from the Lord, maybe have in my heart or thought about it but it's like in the song Heart of worship, "I'm coming back to the heart of worship and it's all about you Jesus." I've sang that so many times over the years when I was a little girl but it has never rang true with my walk with him. Tonight I shared a little about why I was choosing to choose the Lord to my boyfriend when we were talking. And I told him, "So many times in my life I felt abandoned, discouraged, sinned and told so many things about me by people where the Lord could have been like "Natasha we've been over this over and over."  but the Lord instead has been like "Natasha, I am here with you always, I will always be here with arms wide open ready to embrace you." During a Covid season of life where I don't understand why people are walking away from him. Singers who have been writing or singing songs longer than I have been alive, turn away from him, churches and the body of Christ fearful of what the future holds. I myself have been asking the Lord "where are you? Why is this going on and you are here with them or me? Not entirely sure how to end my thought process but I really getting this song stuck in my head one day a month ago and I hadn't listened to it since a little before I left for Indonesia two years ago and I remember hearing a couple of lines to this song. 

 "Friend of every sinful man

And Savior to this fallen land

You promise us Your presence in this place, So I stand and implore You

Lord, adorn me with Your grace

And I lift my voice and I say

Dance with me, sing with me, oh Lord

And I will sing a thousand Hallelujahs

Hallelujah, Hallelujah." And I put it on repeat for about 3 hours, I kid you not. It was a lot of just letting those lines sink in.

So like I said I don't know how to end this because one I'm still being reminded daily that he's here and I'm daily asking the Lord "Show yourself." Because it doesn't feel like he's here and I can't get through this life without him.

 

A thousand hallelujahs

Keep On

 No one ever told you what loneliness looks like. Goodness you could be having good grades, a beautiful house, lots of money and still be lonely. Especially if you don't have anyone to share it with. But have you ever been lonely in the sense of you aren't heard? You live in a community of people who are so close and enjoy each other's company but you feel so out of place no matter how involved you are in it? Well here's seasons of life where I feel like my loneliness is strong. You start dating someone and you don't have anyone to double date with, no one to talk about how your relationship is going or share things about it. When your boyfriend suggest you guys take a week from seeing each other so you can see family and friends, you don't know how to make plans with anyone because in the 5678 times you've tried with many people no one hangs out with you. And you have 2 friends stand you up during the day you were going to hang out. You start strolling through your facebook and start wondering what friends would actually hang out with you on whimsical even though that's not how you roll. You start to feel lonely when you realize that the only texts you get are from work or your boyfriend and neither last long enough for you to feel like you matter to someone. Your evenings are now spent hanging out with your nieces and nephews or journaling or blogging. Which because you are not sure if your introverted nature is healthy or you are just so used to it that you didn't notice the loneliness that comes from being introverted. Whenever I'm in any season of loneliness I do two things.  One: I accepted that I chose this life and I have the power to be okay with all the loneliness life brings me or two: know that what I feel with loneliness is a lie and look at all the things I have done with people and all the people I spend time with or who spend time with me. And count my blessings one by one. Because loneliness is not forever and it is a choice that I can stay in or do something about it. Also rest assured that God sees me in my loneliness and he also said "it is not good for man to be alone." He's our comforter and always there whenever we feel alone. What was the purpose of writing this and sharing about loneliness? Well to be honest I have been struggling with it so much. I have felt like in the past few months I would be so confused by why I was spending more time away from people than usual despite of Covid. At first I constantly blamed my introverted sell but as days turned to weeks where I had no plans or anything exciting with anyone but longingness bursting in my soul and I couldn't figure out what it was. So I spent so much time praying and asking what I was feeling when I noticed that I was getting just a little bitter when someone would make plans in front of me or people had plans they were rushing off to. And I had nothing. So I spent time with the Lord asking him to leave my bitterness behind and embrace the joy he was replacing instead. What should be easy and so much better was still a struggle even to this day. But I'm not feeling the intensity of loneliness I felt before.If you don't get anything from reading this just know this: Loneliness is a choice we can choose to keep. And in every season of life I know that I will feel it but it's not going to claim who God says that I am. 

Can't Get Away

 Want to know what it is like having anxiety what feeling 24/7 but to many people they don't really see that of you? Want to know what it's like to have anxiety during covid? Or have experience anxiety while dating someone who you think is absolutely wonderful but so many things about him is wrong or at least you're told is wrong. Everyday I feel like I'm dealing with anxiety in different amounts and feel like I can't get out of it. Just  last week I bought a new dress for Easter and it looked so cute. But when I tried it on I felt like it was a potato sack on me and it caused me to feel gross about myself. Thus causing some strange unreasonable anxiety about myself.

 Because I don't actually know if this goes with anything I'm talking about and I'm wide awake at 11:50pm I'm going to tell you a little story about myself. I'm not sure what age a child looks at themselves and thinks "Ew who is this?" Why do I look like that?" Well I remember the exact day I looked at myself and thought "Eww, Who is this? Why do I look like this?" I was sitting in a doctor's office because I broke out in what people called hives, I wish I could say they were chickenpox but these were as big as boils and though most of them are gone, I still have one or a scar of one near my spine. (not too close to my spine)  We have no idea how they happened but they were everywhere, in places that I don't want to paint of picture for you. I remember seeing these and thinking Eww who is this? "Why do I look like this?" They went away on their own eventually, even though I had to rub a awful cream all over it because apparently this cream helped the itchiness.... It didn't and let me tell you how excited I was to have them leave. The funny thing about this weird thing is that all these boil/spots only appeared in places like my back, stomach and back of my head. I know it's weird...There's more to this story but I basically only wanted to point out one thing from this story. I shouldn't have ever said those words to myself as a kid because it caused me to continue saying them to myself as I grew older. 

Whenever I get anxiety all I can see is many things I've done wrong or will continue to do. It causes me to look at myself and say "Eww who is this? Why do I think like this?" Why are people trying to make me feel better when no one can make me feel better about how I feel about myself?" What makes me so likable when I don't even like myself and I'm the one who has to deal with myself and not them?" Each enough to create insecurities that later turn into Anxiety one way or another and thus a cycle I feel like I can't get out of. I know that insecurities and anxiety have nothing in common except to destroy a healthy mind but they like to trick the brain into thinking they are what you want. Correct me if I'm wrong. And honestly that's all I have the mental ability to write about tonight. Not sure if any of this made sense, but it's how I am processing these days.

Soul Rant

I'm going to rant a little bit. Why? well because I'm tired and in pain and I'm not sleeping and it feels like hell on earth. So I don't if you all know this but I have been a middle child for a good portion of my life. Sometimes I feel overlooked or sometimes I wasn't given what I really wanted (I'm not going to explain that too tired) but as much as life wasn't going my way I outgrew childish ways and strived to be more loving, less about myself, putting others needs before mine even if it meant their happiness. I saw what happiness looks like and how much we crave it. I crave it daily and I have been told so many points in my life that Jesus is the happiness we need or we find true happiness in Jesus and so I embraced that way of thinking. Hoping that he would do just that for me. I'm not sure where I went wrong but it feels like the last 3 weeks have just been really testing my faith, health issues, overwhelming amount of sadness, pain, relationship/ friendship problems (whatever you call them) and through it all I've asking Jesus When is this going to end? When will you make yourself more real and vibrant to me and to this world? Because I can look all happy and smiling face for the world and never look like I have a bad day and nothing can hurt anymore than it can. Goodness I wish we all could live like that but if anyone asked me how my week has been, I would probably just say it is not terrible but the truth be told, I don't understand why it's not getting better. I struggle with so much things inside you don't want to know or do know and we've gotten nowhere. I'm trying, I'm struggling to find Jesus in the way Peet, Kelsea, Adam, Shaina Jill, Lu my parents my siblings, my church group, all of them who has this amazing relationship with him and yet here I sit, angered filled, confusion built and shameful that I don't deserve happiness. That I can never have it no matter how much I want it, where I go to find it and with that I forget everyday who Jesus is and all he has done for me. I couldn't even be honest with myself about this for many years and I don't know if I allowed or people assumed my relationship with Jesus was great until I did the unthinkable and started dating someone who could steer me away from the Lord. When the only person who can do that is me and I have been doing that back and forth for 2 years now. Anyways my rant is not over but I am in too much pain to continue, so much tears is happening that I soon won't see what I am writing.