Want to know what it is like having anxiety what feeling 24/7 but to many people they don't really see that of you? Want to know what it's like to have anxiety during covid? Or have experience anxiety while dating someone who you think is absolutely wonderful but so many things about him is wrong or at least you're told is wrong. Everyday I feel like I'm dealing with anxiety in different amounts and feel like I can't get out of it. Just last week I bought a new dress for Easter and it looked so cute. But when I tried it on I felt like it was a potato sack on me and it caused me to feel gross about myself. Thus causing some strange unreasonable anxiety about myself.
Because I don't actually know if this goes with anything I'm talking about and I'm wide awake at 11:50pm I'm going to tell you a little story about myself. I'm not sure what age a child looks at themselves and thinks "Ew who is this?" Why do I look like that?" Well I remember the exact day I looked at myself and thought "Eww, Who is this? Why do I look like this?" I was sitting in a doctor's office because I broke out in what people called hives, I wish I could say they were chickenpox but these were as big as boils and though most of them are gone, I still have one or a scar of one near my spine. (not too close to my spine) We have no idea how they happened but they were everywhere, in places that I don't want to paint of picture for you. I remember seeing these and thinking Eww who is this? "Why do I look like this?" They went away on their own eventually, even though I had to rub a awful cream all over it because apparently this cream helped the itchiness.... It didn't and let me tell you how excited I was to have them leave. The funny thing about this weird thing is that all these boil/spots only appeared in places like my back, stomach and back of my head. I know it's weird...There's more to this story but I basically only wanted to point out one thing from this story. I shouldn't have ever said those words to myself as a kid because it caused me to continue saying them to myself as I grew older.
Whenever I get anxiety all I can see is many things I've done wrong or will continue to do. It causes me to look at myself and say "Eww who is this? Why do I think like this?" Why are people trying to make me feel better when no one can make me feel better about how I feel about myself?" What makes me so likable when I don't even like myself and I'm the one who has to deal with myself and not them?" Each enough to create insecurities that later turn into Anxiety one way or another and thus a cycle I feel like I can't get out of. I know that insecurities and anxiety have nothing in common except to destroy a healthy mind but they like to trick the brain into thinking they are what you want. Correct me if I'm wrong. And honestly that's all I have the mental ability to write about tonight. Not sure if any of this made sense, but it's how I am processing these days.
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