Keep On

 No one ever told you what loneliness looks like. Goodness you could be having good grades, a beautiful house, lots of money and still be lonely. Especially if you don't have anyone to share it with. But have you ever been lonely in the sense of you aren't heard? You live in a community of people who are so close and enjoy each other's company but you feel so out of place no matter how involved you are in it? Well here's seasons of life where I feel like my loneliness is strong. You start dating someone and you don't have anyone to double date with, no one to talk about how your relationship is going or share things about it. When your boyfriend suggest you guys take a week from seeing each other so you can see family and friends, you don't know how to make plans with anyone because in the 5678 times you've tried with many people no one hangs out with you. And you have 2 friends stand you up during the day you were going to hang out. You start strolling through your facebook and start wondering what friends would actually hang out with you on whimsical even though that's not how you roll. You start to feel lonely when you realize that the only texts you get are from work or your boyfriend and neither last long enough for you to feel like you matter to someone. Your evenings are now spent hanging out with your nieces and nephews or journaling or blogging. Which because you are not sure if your introverted nature is healthy or you are just so used to it that you didn't notice the loneliness that comes from being introverted. Whenever I'm in any season of loneliness I do two things.  One: I accepted that I chose this life and I have the power to be okay with all the loneliness life brings me or two: know that what I feel with loneliness is a lie and look at all the things I have done with people and all the people I spend time with or who spend time with me. And count my blessings one by one. Because loneliness is not forever and it is a choice that I can stay in or do something about it. Also rest assured that God sees me in my loneliness and he also said "it is not good for man to be alone." He's our comforter and always there whenever we feel alone. What was the purpose of writing this and sharing about loneliness? Well to be honest I have been struggling with it so much. I have felt like in the past few months I would be so confused by why I was spending more time away from people than usual despite of Covid. At first I constantly blamed my introverted sell but as days turned to weeks where I had no plans or anything exciting with anyone but longingness bursting in my soul and I couldn't figure out what it was. So I spent so much time praying and asking what I was feeling when I noticed that I was getting just a little bitter when someone would make plans in front of me or people had plans they were rushing off to. And I had nothing. So I spent time with the Lord asking him to leave my bitterness behind and embrace the joy he was replacing instead. What should be easy and so much better was still a struggle even to this day. But I'm not feeling the intensity of loneliness I felt before.If you don't get anything from reading this just know this: Loneliness is a choice we can choose to keep. And in every season of life I know that I will feel it but it's not going to claim who God says that I am. 

Can't Get Away

 Want to know what it is like having anxiety what feeling 24/7 but to many people they don't really see that of you? Want to know what it's like to have anxiety during covid? Or have experience anxiety while dating someone who you think is absolutely wonderful but so many things about him is wrong or at least you're told is wrong. Everyday I feel like I'm dealing with anxiety in different amounts and feel like I can't get out of it. Just  last week I bought a new dress for Easter and it looked so cute. But when I tried it on I felt like it was a potato sack on me and it caused me to feel gross about myself. Thus causing some strange unreasonable anxiety about myself.

 Because I don't actually know if this goes with anything I'm talking about and I'm wide awake at 11:50pm I'm going to tell you a little story about myself. I'm not sure what age a child looks at themselves and thinks "Ew who is this?" Why do I look like that?" Well I remember the exact day I looked at myself and thought "Eww, Who is this? Why do I look like this?" I was sitting in a doctor's office because I broke out in what people called hives, I wish I could say they were chickenpox but these were as big as boils and though most of them are gone, I still have one or a scar of one near my spine. (not too close to my spine)  We have no idea how they happened but they were everywhere, in places that I don't want to paint of picture for you. I remember seeing these and thinking Eww who is this? "Why do I look like this?" They went away on their own eventually, even though I had to rub a awful cream all over it because apparently this cream helped the itchiness.... It didn't and let me tell you how excited I was to have them leave. The funny thing about this weird thing is that all these boil/spots only appeared in places like my back, stomach and back of my head. I know it's weird...There's more to this story but I basically only wanted to point out one thing from this story. I shouldn't have ever said those words to myself as a kid because it caused me to continue saying them to myself as I grew older. 

Whenever I get anxiety all I can see is many things I've done wrong or will continue to do. It causes me to look at myself and say "Eww who is this? Why do I think like this?" Why are people trying to make me feel better when no one can make me feel better about how I feel about myself?" What makes me so likable when I don't even like myself and I'm the one who has to deal with myself and not them?" Each enough to create insecurities that later turn into Anxiety one way or another and thus a cycle I feel like I can't get out of. I know that insecurities and anxiety have nothing in common except to destroy a healthy mind but they like to trick the brain into thinking they are what you want. Correct me if I'm wrong. And honestly that's all I have the mental ability to write about tonight. Not sure if any of this made sense, but it's how I am processing these days.