Here's a story I started in 2015 and finished 2 and a half years later:
“What is the Cause
of guilt? What does it lead to?” The words of the pastor rang in my
ears. As I looked around the church I could see that many eyes were
fixed on him. Some nodded with the words he spoke, some squeamishly
listening and others lost in thought while their eyes focused on him.
“Guilt can cause many things. It can caused harm, destruction and
despair. But God is there through all of this. Christ died to take
away that guilt and shame. You don’t have to keep holding on to it
anymore., let’s pray.” I got up after the prayer had ended and
followed the crowd out of the sanctuary and headed towards the
classrooms and nursery to pick up my kids. Stepped first by the
nursery since it was the closest. Peeked inside and saw my 3 nursery
kids, Colton and Areah who were a talking troublesome set of twins,
who had just turned 4, After getting some slobbery kisses we went to
pick up the other two kids. Mila my shy and sensitive 6 year old
looked with relief as she spotted us. Jameson or James as many people
call him raced up to me giving me a big hug and a picture he had
drawn. My friendly, caring boy who took too much after his dad was
only 7 but had a big heart. As I rounded my children up my mind went
back to the Pastor’s words “Guilt can cause many things, it can
cause harm, destruction and despair.” My life was full of guilt.
About from when I was a reckless teen and did stuff I regretted to
this day. To my marriage that fell apart because of mistakes. My kids
were going to live with my mistakes and their own for the rest of
their lives. As I drove away from church I silently prayed that my
guilt for what happened in the past would be washed away, I didn’t
want to hold onto it no more. We got home and as soon as I stepped
foot inside the phone rang. Told Mila to get some toys for the twins
to play with while I answered the phone. I answered with a quiet
hello and the voice on the other end was a voice I hadn’t heard
from since the twins were born….My Husband… I thought of many
reasons on why he could be calling. “Evie? I know I’ve been
horrible to you and the kids, but the reason I’m calling…” I
held my breath, thinking he would say that he no longer wanted to pay
child support because he remarried… But they were not the words he
spoke. “Let me tell you a story….’
“Once upon a time
there lived a this spoiled reckless teen who’s parents loved him
so much but he could not see that so he left home with no money,
nothing. He found a job at a bar and when he had enough money he left
that job and started his own business. He proved to be smart and
manage to make the business successful. One day a customer came in
and he was head over hears for her. After that meeting he gave her
his number and asked for hers. And they began dating. But he never
told her anything of his past. Let her believe that he had no one.
Two years later they married and God gave them many wonderful gifts,
2 boys and 2 girls who made him proud. But he was not happy and
slowly started making others unhappy. He began fighting with the love
of his life. And then one day he walked out of the only life that
made him happy. He spent the next few months trying to forget about
his life, his wife and kids. He thought many times after the divorce
papers were final to remarry especially after he had found someone
but this person didn’t make him feel special. He later found out
that she was married and was leading him on. One night he cried out
to God who he had forsaken since he started feeling unhappy. He asked
God to change him and help him fix his life. He heard God say “go
home,” so he thought back to his wife and kids but then he heard
“Make right with your parents.” So he went home. His parents were
so happy to see him and they forgave him. Sitting down the second
night he was home he told them all about what he did since he left
home. And how he had left his wife and kids because of the guilt in
his life and now he didn’t know how to make it right with his wife.
She still gave updates on their children but never heard anything
from her. He had hurt her and was afraid that if he tried to get back
into his kids’ lives she would keep them from him. But his mom’s
words helped “Goo is our refuge and strength, an ever present help
in trouble. God Brought you back to us and he will bring you back to
your family. He working all things for his good. He loves you and
them. He is present with you always.” He prayed that night to God
asking him to give him a time he would be able to talk to his wife
and ask her for forgiveness. God told him that “she has already
forgiven you but needs to hear from you. Call her tomorrow, she will
be waiting yet she doesn’t know it.”
So here I am asking
you even though I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I want to
be a part of your lives again. But because I have messed up, rushing
back into something could end up being a mistake so if you’ll allow
it, I want to go through marriage counseling with you, we never did
it when we were engaged and it would be the best for us. By the end
of his story I was crying, no bawling, I missed him and it was true I
had forgiven him. I agreed to counseling before he could see the
kids.
1
year and 9 months later
Rocking
Vera to sleep I’ve been thinking about the changes my family had
been through almost two years later. Me and Kurt got married 5 months
after going through marriage counseling. Vera Hope was born 10 months
later. We’re not perfect but God is mending this family together an
we’re growing stronger together. We’re free of the guilt we had
in the past. Made me think of a verse from a song we sing at church
“I’m no longer slave to fear, I am a child of God.” Thinking
about how I am a child of god and that I’m in his hands. Life won’t
always be easy. But I’m confident in know that God is with us in
this life and all we got to do is trust him and serve him with our
whole heart.
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