Penny for your thoughts?

Been thinking, so our culture is either shaming people or encouraging people to not be different. Let me explain this better. So I'm watching a movie where there's a girl who doesn't want to come out as gay because she's afraid of being different, there's another girl who's afraid to feel comfortable in her own skin because she used to be what she thought of herself being fat and ugly. And there's this girl who's transgender and even after the changes she made to her body she still doesn't feel comfortable in her own body. At what point is it where we quit shaming people or telling people they have to be something else?

As I look at myself in the mirror in the morning I'm not the person I want to see. I want to see this confident, Beautiful, outgoing secure woman who doesn't care at all what others think of her. But instead I feel the opposite, I feel ugly, my thoughts are ugly on a daily basis, I fear a ton of stuff. Never being able to have a strong relationship that I know won't crush me or hurt me, I feel reserve on a daily basis to people and lastly I feel every inch of insecurity taking a hold of me.

 I spend a lot of time around children, probably more time than around someone my age and as I spend time with them, I teach them that people around us deserve our love and support, even if we think differently of them instead of mouthing their differences tell them what makes them beautiful. I remember taking one of my friends' 3 kids to the park and there was this guy wearing a dress and lipstick and the oldest of the kids whispered in my ears "I wish he knows he's beautiful." She's 4 and even though she was too scared to tell him that, hearing those were the words she choose to come out of her mouth instead of judging him as most people even me sometime made me stop and realize what she said was true. Men look at the outward appearances while God looks at the heart. She was looking at him through God's eyes and not as man sees him on the outside.

Even as I sit here writing, I know there's no answer in to how one is to make feel better about themselves, to stop people from shaming people or telling people how they need to be or to be differently than they are. We need each other to build each other up instead of tearing each other down.

In My Room

A few years ago my cousin showed me a song from a band named Thousand Foot Krutch. It's called "In my room." Felt a little ironic because growing up I spent most of my room with my door shut away from people. So when she showed me this song, I didn't really like it at first. But as it was a popular song from Thousand Foot Krutch it was played on the radio station I used to listen to at that time. So it got stuck in my head which I decided to listen to it, really listen to it. And as I sat there listening I started crying. This part in the song had basically had been my cry the day Sarah died. "But can you meet me in my room. A place where I feel safe. Don't have to run away. And I can just be me" How often do we have a place where we can just cry, scream or a place that feel safe. For me it was my room, where I would cry, yell at God on many occasions, write stories. It was my safe place... As I'm writing this I'm sitting in my room. I've spent more time safe here than I have ever anywhere else. I resort here at the end of the day, or the beginning of the day.  This morning I met with my mentor and as we were talking I just started feeling a urge to think back on a moment when all this felt like it was crashing down. When I felt like I didn't really have a safe place to go to or someone to share. Because I currently wasn't going to talk to God because I wasn't speaking to him. But as I did then by dismissing the thought, I'm not writing the thought. Coming back to the present, as I sat listening to this song it became a song God using to call me to attention. It's time for me to go back in my room and listen.

Only on earth there are tears.

I think about you daily. But it has gotten to the point where I want to hear your voice again and it's not there. Like the only memories left of you is your family. I remember always getting a happy birthday call from you since the year I remembered your birthday. Since then I tried remembering your family and my family's birthdays because they are so special to me. Bringing you fresh picked flowers (they were weeds but you didn't let me know that) and kept them in a jar and telling you that I wish I could buy you sushi because it was your favorite. When I decided that it's sad seeing people pick flowers you laughed and said "It one of the things I love about you, your heart is kind and tender." I miss emailing you to talk if I couldn't get to in person. Even if it took awhile to respond to you, I enjoyed it. How you always made time for me, I understand now how hard it is when you're busy.  Something that I wish you could see is how I have been trying to use my kind and tender heart for people. There are ways I'm leaving my sparkle for people. Life is full of tears but better dancing joyfully remembering beautiful souls like you that taught so much to people around them. Thanks for blessing me for 15 years of my life. "You'll be in my heart forever."