Sunday, January 17, 2021
Soul Rant
I'm going to rant a little bit. Why? well because I'm tired and in pain and I'm not sleeping and it feels like hell on earth. So I don't if you all know this but I have been a middle child for a good portion of my life. Sometimes I feel overlooked or sometimes I wasn't given what I really wanted (I'm not going to explain that too tired) but as much as life wasn't going my way I outgrew childish ways and strived to be more loving, less about myself, putting others needs before mine even if it meant their happiness. I saw what happiness looks like and how much we crave it. I crave it daily and I have been told so many points in my life that Jesus is the happiness we need or we find true happiness in Jesus and so I embraced that way of thinking. Hoping that he would do just that for me. I'm not sure where I went wrong but it feels like the last 3 weeks have just been really testing my faith, health issues, overwhelming amount of sadness, pain, relationship/ friendship problems (whatever you call them) and through it all I've asking Jesus When is this going to end? When will you make yourself more real and vibrant to me and to this world? Because I can look all happy and smiling face for the world and never look like I have a bad day and nothing can hurt anymore than it can. Goodness I wish we all could live like that but if anyone asked me how my week has been, I would probably just say it is not terrible but the truth be told, I don't understand why it's not getting better. I struggle with so much things inside you don't want to know or do know and we've gotten nowhere. I'm trying, I'm struggling to find Jesus in the way Peet, Kelsea, Adam, Shaina Jill, Lu my parents my siblings, my church group, all of them who has this amazing relationship with him and yet here I sit, angered filled, confusion built and shameful that I don't deserve happiness. That I can never have it no matter how much I want it, where I go to find it and with that I forget everyday who Jesus is and all he has done for me. I couldn't even be honest with myself about this for many years and I don't know if I allowed or people assumed my relationship with Jesus was great until I did the unthinkable and started dating someone who could steer me away from the Lord. When the only person who can do that is me and I have been doing that back and forth for 2 years now. Anyways my rant is not over but I am in too much pain to continue, so much tears is happening that I soon won't see what I am writing.
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Hi Natasha,
ReplyDeleteWhen I was growing up (also middle child, homeschooled, MK), I was alone and isolated a lot, even from my family, felt awkward, was terrified of the awkwardness of conversation and possibility of rejection, but was extroverted enough that I sought out people anyway. I don't think I had a true & consistent friend until Mandate, but I still hadn't learned true relationship. I had a couple years where I felt on top of the world in college, full of hope, full of life. Then I invited the wrong people way too close, and every part of me that was prideful, self-focused, or self-pitying slowly started to destroy me from the inside out, to slowly cut my heart off from all depth of relationship. I did things I'm very ashamed of still, ...actually slowly learning real shame now. I've known God's voice half of my life, but I didn't know His love. I'm in my 30s now, having tried so hard to fix myself, rebuked myself, corrected myself, trying to find my way back to that life & hope, but kept feeling despair. This year the ties that bind and keep me blinded are starting to break finally. I see glimpses of sunlight, ever so briefly, but they're enough to know Love is fighting for me. One powerful thing that's starting to sink in lately is how deeply He loves me, that I never had to try, that I actually was deeply loved & desired the whole time just as I was. No condemnation. I NOW can look back & see that thread throughout my life, but I couldn't hear THAT message. It would mean I wasn't in control of whether or not He loves me, that there is nothing I can do to affect it. I couldn't grasp unconditional love, love that desires me even when I see nothing desirable in me, even if I'm cynical, angry, self-centered, & mean, even if I'm evil. That loves me even if I do nothing different or nothing at all. Sometimes we lack life experience to make us able to understand. Sometimes it takes falling hard to wake up. 8 years ago, God breathed on me so I could feel it and told me "awake sleeping beauty!" I felt so thrilled, felt like I opened my eyes for just a few moments...and fell back into a drowsy sleep I didn't seem to have the power or strength to wake up from. I'm starting to wake up now. I have often been discouraged by how much time is lost...but then He shows me all He's been doing in me and through me, as if nothing has been lost except my perspective is off. So much is not what it seems...in our own hearts or in others. But one last thing: I started rebuking certain demonic presences in my life (self-pity, envy, fear of rejection, pride, jealousy, & bitterness), and that has made such a difference, I had no idea. I'm learning that trust brings hope. But also, trust is learned. It is not and probably should not be automatical...deep trust is learned from deep struggle.
~Ana M