Sunday, December 2, 2018

Blessed beyond measure.

"The man worth while is a man who can still smile when everything goes wrong."

Deprived from older Irish Kevin means Kind and Gentle. Well there was more but these two were the ones that stuck out the most. I've known Kevin Nichols for  20 years and growing up having him as another father figure was something not every girl was able to do. It is one of the best things.  He's kind and gentle even when he's beating you at a game he's pretty nice about winning.. He has raised 3 of my favorite people with more than his kind and gentle ways. As I think of Kevin I always think of Gandalf from Lord of the Rings.. Gandalf is pretty wise, grows the best facial out of the rest of the character. ( Get your mind off Kevin for a sec as we're about Gandalf) though his dressing is depressing as are the rest of the characters' clothing choices but Gandalf seems to pull it off pretty well. So how does any of this have to do with Kevin? Well Gandalf helps guide Frodo  Even though I don't see Kevin on a daily basis as I did as a little girl, I can always go up to him and talk to him and he listens and has some pretty good wisdom.   Gandalf isn't always a stiff bore, I have never had a moment of boredom with Kevin.  He's insanely full of happiness and excitement.Super adventurous, I think he goes looking for it since he's not the idle type. I can see where his kids get their happiness and adventurous spirit. He's also a pretty big goof..He loves to make people laugh or lighten the mood. And he's a hugger... Like hugging is his gift of making people feel safe and loved. Doesn't matter if you don't like hugs, he'll hug you (He'll as beforehand, but you'll still get a hug) and I love that about him, even though I'm not a fan of hugs. He's pretty musically gifted. One of the best bass players and no I'm not being biased, I've seen a lot of amazing bass players, he's one of the best. Like many others I've written about he has a strong unbreakable everlasting relationship with the Lord that makes me pretty inspired and encouraged.
 What I love most of about this Godly man and my second dad is that he never lost faith in times where there was reasons to lose faith. Because of that he continues to be blessed abundantly. Something Gandalf never had: A God who cares for the happiness of his children. Blesses them abundantly beyond measure.

Thursday, November 29, 2018

Happiness Is

So many times it's easy to wake up on the wrong side of the bed and feel like there's nothing good in anything. I found myself just complaining about everything even if there wasn't something to complain about. So instead of complaining I decided that whenever I felt like complaining I would have to come up with something as I call "Happiness Is."

1. Happiness Is when your nephew is sitting on your lap and you're both sharing chicken nuggets.
2. Happiness Is dancing in a coffee shop with a friend to soft music and people around you  staring.
3. Happiness Is your nephew smiles at you when you may look silly trying to get him to smile at you.
4. Happiness Is laying awake listening to the sound of rain falling.
5. Happiness Is telling kids a story you've made up.
6. Happiness Is Summer days and watching it turn into fall colors
7. Happiness Is when your dream you had at 9 years old is one step closer to happening
8. Happiness Is finding God's beauty in every color, every person no matter how crazy they are.
9. Happiness Is seeing my best friend Bella. She just makes me insanely happy.
10.Happiness Is getting the little bit of peace you haven't felt in a long time.
11.Happiness Is spending time with each of my Hive kiddos.
12. Happiness Is feeling excited every time I see something sparkly, elephant or Vintage style.
13. Happiness Is celebrating a funky National every day holiday.
14. Happiness Is my baby mouse Cheese.
15. Happiness Is my drawing Levi Finley drew.
16. Happiness Is doing puzzles with my Grandma Burkey.
17. Happiness Is a sugary doughnut .
18.Happiness  Is Thanksgiving with my family.
19. Happiness Is being able to wear tights under dresses.
20. Happiness Is dancing and twirling in dresses.
21. Happiness Is finding treasures with the Bumstead kids.
22. Happiness Is Helping out with the Foster Parents Night Out.
23. Happiness Is know you can conquer obstacles that come in your way.
24. Happiness Is spending time with the kids in your life.
25. Happiness Is Finding your happy spot.
26. Happiness Is Getting little gifts from the kids you love.
27. Happiness Is dancing in the rain
28. Happiness Is ice cold water
29. Happiness Is snuggling with a baby
30. Happiness Is friends celebrating your birthday
31. Happiness Is painting nails with the girls you're watching
32. Happiness Is celebrating silly everyday Holidays
33. Happiness Is blogging
34. Happiness Is spending time at your grandparents and eating your grandma's amazing pies
35. Happiness Is my Fridays being spent with the Scholls
36. Happiness Is friends, small and big
37. Happiness Is Mango fruit and Rice
38. Happiness Is coffee dates with people even though I hate coffee and most hot drinks
39. Happiness Is going on walks which some leads to just endless dirt roads
40. Happiness Is Dancing

Sunday, November 25, 2018

Inexpressible Joy

"Fight on, Fighter! The spirit is alive inside you." -For King and Country

When you think of this guy what is the first thing that comes to mind. When I think of Derek, I think of Jesus sitting down with one of his dearest friends. I don’t know if many people feel this way but that’s how Derek is. Everyone who walks through his house he treats them as if they were dearest friend. He’s a caring empathic soul. He has a heart like Jesus. He loves to tease and when the mood seems moody he breaks the ice in a light happy way where everyone is happy. He reminds me of a papa bear, not one from Goldilocks and the three bears, but one who's tender and protective, I've seen him reflect that with his 4 boys. A wonderful person who conversations are lively and meaningful. His name means "Gifted Ruler." some of his gifts is the gift of love and Compassion.  He's a friend of Jesus, sitting beside him soaking up his presence, a mentor to many young men and a great husband and father. 

 When I writing this I was listening to a song when a word came to my mind over and over, as I was thinking what about Derek it wouldn't leave. Joy! When you look up the word, it means great pleasure and Happiness.  In the bible the definition of joy is inexpressible joy..  I see such that inexpressible  joy in his eyes when he's home with his family.  

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Better than Superman

"Love looks not with the eyes." -William Shakespeare

When I was a little girl, I was like what most girls thought of their father.. He was superman.. And I really liked superman. He raised 13 kids and if you count the Nichols kids who were around a lot, he had a influence on them. He's a fearless leader, a example of our father in Heaven. Timothy means honoring God which describes my dad to a T, He lives to honor god and hopes that all 13 of his kids and their spouses follow and love God their whole life. Growing up I loved hearing stories of my dad childhood and compare the difference he is now than as a child. He may not have thought that he would grow up raising 13 children all with different personalities, moods and philosophy on life. But I don't know any other father who raised 13 with such wisdom and endless amount of grace and love.  He has a side of him that he thinks is quite amusing. A comical side that brings out the kid in him.  Most of the time you roll your eyes (but don't actually do it in front of him, he hates eye rolls) and pretend to not smile and hold your laughter. He is a laughter, he makes people laugh even if they wonder why they're laughing.
Most people write sappy happy father's day post about their dad being the best dad in the world. I have father that continues to become a blessing to anyone and everyone in his path. He has shown what it means to love unconditionally. Even if it turns into a sappy post about my dad..I'm truly grateful for the sacrifices and Love he continues to give even as I'm an adult.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Behind Every Smile There is a Story

 Life was so crazy and busy I lost control of everything. In order for this to make sense let me explain everything that went down starting on the night of Halloween 2017....

This Halloween I decided to help out with a Halloween Outreach that was happening on campus, I wanted to People to experience a radical change or something like that. I was already feeling nervous and I had this strange shooting pain in my lower part of my body. It didn't go away as the evening went on. I went on a treasure hunt (which you go people searching to pray for) and prayed for this girl dressed in an identical costume as myself and after praying for her the pain in my lower part of my body was gone. I pray for her often still today hoping and having faith she was healed from arthritis in her knees. As my group was walking back from our treasure hunt, my little brother stepped into Yogurt extreme while my older sister and I stayed outside. While Nessa and I were talking, a guy came up to us and started talking to me throwing compliments my way. He asked for my number when I refused gave me his number. Later that night I got asked out.. Stupidly I accepted, I don't know why or where my head was, but my brain convinced me that it was because he was kinda attractive and I was tired of being seen as someone who was so childish. My first date didn't feel like a first date. Felt like going out to coffee with any of my friends, except a tad bit awkward. The guy as nice as he seemed on the first date put so much pressure on me that I accepted another date and I wish I hadn't. 3 weeks went by and I heard from him about 2ish times, which I was fine by that. But by the 3rd week I was tired of the pressure I was getting from him, people and how I couldn't think and make decisions for myself and it felt suffocating. So after talking with people and a dream, I realized that I hadn't invited Jesus into the situation. So after inviting Jesus into it, I felt that this was not the path he was leading me. So after being in contact but only hearing from him twice I told him that I wasn't ready for a relationship and I didn't want to be in a relationship where I felt pressured.

Putting that in the back of my mind I started focusing on how I was to get through the month of November. My adoption date was coming up and every year I just felt a sense of unwantedness, hatred for whatever happened in my past, when I was a baby, jealousy even though it wasn't really aimed a certain person, depression, Last year it hit so hard I didn't think I would come out of it. This year I challenged myself hoping that I would be able to move on but it didn't quite work. So I blogged a little about where I was in regards with my adoption. But I was struggling as well in the area of relationship with people. All November I felt l was walking on eggshells with people. Whenever my emotions or feelings showed on my face people either wanted nothing to do with me or felt I was not expressing them properly. So I did what I knew how to do...Pull away and that made some people angry. Angry because I was expressing my feelings or emotions the way I felt to them wrong or because I started shutting people out.

Sometimes people hid things in their closet for so long because with insecurities and trust issues it hard to feel really heard and not fixed. What happened a year ago really changed a lot of who I am today..Sure I have guy trust issues but it doesn't start because what happened last year. Last year actually made me really see how messed up my thinking of guys was. Instead of thinking guys were many things (which any amazing guy in my life has proved to be the greatest friend) I decided that I wanted to try a year of lifting each and every one person in my life in the beautiful way I saw them.


Friday, October 19, 2018

Clothed in Beauty and Rich in Love


"A passionate woman is full of beauty."-Unknown

Tammy which is shorten for Tamara means Palm tree. Which is insane because as I was thinking about what to write about her, I got this picture of Tammy in Jerusalem dancing down in the streets while holding a palm branch....Almost like the vision of David dancing and was reminded of the song "As David did" but instead it replaced the name David with Tammy. She's a dancer, a worshiper and an incredible friend. She's an incredible foster mom...I marvel at how amazing she is at fostering. During the summer I had started to get together with her for a few hours. Though Summer was super busy and we weren't able to meet as we tried but the few times we got together I enjoyed it quite. Have you ever heard someone have such passion in their heart that the words that come out of their mouths paints the picture of Jesus being passionate about you. So much heart for Jesus. Tammy always finds the good in someone and always has something good or encouraging to say about people. She's intentional in spending time with people. Time with her is well spent.
Wrapped in God's love, she is given riches to which she continues to share with others.. Always hopes, always protects. doesn't delight in evil but rejoices in the good. If you haven't spent time with Tammy she's someone who is a Jamie Grace song "One of a Kind."  

Thursday, October 18, 2018

The Time My Friend went Alien

An unfinished story I wrote with a old friend....

It was one of those dreary mornings. A fog bank covered the distant hills, and the grass was
covered with frost. We all prayed the roads would be fit for traveling, as ice made driving
difficult. I had no plans at all for that day. School, sure, food, sure, but nothing concrete that
would be classed as "out of the ordinary." That's what I thought at least...

Beep, beep went my sister's alarm... hoping my sister would shut it off I rolled over on my side trying to drown out the sound. Looking over at the alarm found that it was almost 6:00 to early for me to get up. Getting up from my bed I looked over to find my sister still sound asleep. "Great", I thought, "I don't know whether I should wake her or leave her alone." Walking over to my bed I turned on my radio as an alarm to wake her and then slid under my covers and fell back asleep. Waking a hour and half later to find a dreary cold world waiting. Not wanting to face the day I fell back asleep hoping to get more sleep. realizing that wasn't going to happen got up ready to face the day. I was praying for the day to go right and getting to school early proved to be right but as the day went on I started to feel all jittery...

"Brittany!" my name echoed up the hallway. "If you want a ride to school, I'm leaving for work right now!" I glanced at the clock. "Oh wow. Time sure does fly," I said to my parakeet as I finished my yoga session. "I'm coming!!" I shouted after a deep breath, then threw on the nearest pair of shoes. Staying up late certainly didn't make your morning very bright. That's how it goes, I suppose. I jumped into the back of our shuddering jeep before mom took off and dumped me on the front lawn of the school. There wasn't a person in sight. I was late again. I hollered a thanks to mom who was already peeling her way out of there. A resolution for me just came to mind; work on not being late. I'd love to do whatever it takes to change that factor. It's always so embarrassing walking into class once they've already begun. I slunk into our World History class and took a silent seat by my friend Allison. She looked really excited and nervous about something. Oh no, was there a test I forgot about? No, there's a test on Monday, surely not one today... what was she so jittery about then?

Finally the last bell rang signaling the end of school. I was glad to be able to make it through
since my mind was wandering, along with my body acting up. Walking inside my house my mom took one look and said, "Allison what's wrong? Are you coming down with something?" Shaking my head no, I wondered why I was all of a sudden jittery. Once upstairs I rushed to finish my homework before receiving a text from Brittany asking if I was alright. Texting back I responded that I was a little jittery for some weird reason but other than that I was as right as rain. As I put my phone down I had the urge to throw up and rushed to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and noticed something strange...

I knew something was up. I didn't get a chance to talk to Allison between classes, or after
school, so I texted her once I got home. She said she was as right as rain, but I didn't believe it. She didn't even like the rain. So why would she be as right as it? "It's only a few blocks to her house," I said thinking, "this might call for a little surprise visit..." Mom wasn't home from work yet, so I left a note in the kitchen, letting her know where I'd be if I wasn't back for dinner. I went through the back yard, encouraging our Newfoundland to follow me. I always felt safer going on walks with him. Arriving at 223 Oak Street, I scurried up the front steps on their blue painted porch. My big black dog took a seat and gave me a look that said 'I'll keep watch while you're inside.' I knocked at the door quickly before bursting in. For some reason I was really nervous. Something seemed like it was wrong. But was there a problem? Allison's mother said a cheery hello while removing cookies from the oven. She seemed okay. Maybe there wasn't a problem. I was just imaging things. "Allison is upstairs," she told me and I nodded my thanks before advancing to the staircase. I whirled onto the landing and paused for a breath. The bathroom light was on. I stepped up and knocked quietly, then stepped back. Allison mumbled something from the inside.

My nails, normally long, were shaped in a bent position and my face had went from a
normalish look to a way beyond normal... I had turned white. Which was a little different for me since I had never been white in my life. As soon it happened, and was all over, my skin turned normal and everything was normal. Or was it?... I mumbled something after I heard a knock at the door. Opening it, I was surprised and happy to see Brittany standing there. The look on her face showed that she was worried. "How are you?" she asked me. "I'm fine," I said, "though for some reason I've been jittery -- but guess what," I said changing the subject. When my friend gave me the look that changing the subject wasn't helping, I gave her my favorite smile (the one she always fell for). "What? What?" She said. I shrugged enjoying the little teasing I was giving her. "I don't remember, so I guess it's not very important but I got a book about aliens..."

I was glad to see she was okay, but something was fishy. I could sense it. We walked into her bed room, the red walls welcoming us. Allison had a book she wanted to show me. Aliens? I thought when she mentioned it. Okay then... didn't quite seem like her. I mean, who was into all that UFO stuff anyway? Then again, it's possible that space creatures could exist... what am I saying? My friend plopped onto her bed and grabbed the book that was sitting on the shelf next to it. "Here it is," she announced, and began to flip through it, exclaiming at images of blurry blobs in the black sky. I sat down next to her, just as her mom knocked on the door. "Cookies!" she exclaimed and waved a plate in our faces. Me, loving cookies, grabbed one (okay, two) and ate them up after saying thank you. They were chocolate, so Allison didn't take any. We continued to leaf through the book; Allison very excited; me trying to be. Sure, don't get me wrong, it was cool. But... aliens? Really? After a few more minutes, the back cover came into view. It was over. She asked me what I thought. Was that a trick question? Maybe she didn't even like aliens... but if I say yes to be nice, she could really just be messing with me... my thoughts came in a flood. I told her the truth, "I think it's very interesting, Allison. But what I'm really wondering is, why did you just show that to me?" Hopping up to go close the door that led to the hall, she told me she had something to tell me...

 I explained to Brittany how my face turned white for about 10 seconds and also how my nails bent in a stranger position then how they already were. I also told her how I didn't want anyone to know but when she started worrying, I knew she would press until I told her. "Tell me what?" she asked. I didn't answer for the longest time and when I did my eyes flashed. Literally flashed, sending and adding colors to my eyes. I swallowed and paced the room until I finally looked at her with my eyes back to their normal color. "But wait," I thought, "she must had seen my eyes"... So I asked her. "Did something feel or look a little weird to you?" When she shook her head I decided to ask my fearfully question. "Did my eyes flash or turn colors while I was talking to you?" I asked hoping she saw it. When she once more shook her head I swallowed a second time and though I tried to not hide it, I knew she was going to think I went insane. I told her anyways. "I think and am afraid I might be turning into a Alien..."


Now I was the one that started pacing, saying to myself, "No no no, this can't be
happening...this doesn't happen. This CAN'T happen...can it?" Allison sat on the bed, watching me closely as I stepped from one end of the room to the other. I was so confused by this news. How could this be? "Maybe she really is crazy..." I told myself, but I knew it couldn't be true, we had been friends for years. The chance that she might be playing a joke on me had already been blown; she would have been laughing her head off by now. Something really WAS wrong. She continued to watch me with deep, fearful eyes, as I continued to try to think of what we could do. Footsteps on the stairs. Allison gave me a look that said "Do not say anything" right before her mom came into the bedroom. I slapped on a cheerful face as we greeted her. She had more cookies. I wasn't in the mood, but I took one to be polite. Once it was obvious she had retreated all the way back down the stairs, I tried to calm Allison down. She had started shaking. 

I could tell Brittany didn't believe me and I wasn't sure I believed myself. You don't just turn
Alien. I was a alien but there were many descriptions to the word. My being adopted was to be considered until I was a American citizen. But that Alien type wasn't what I was talking about and I somehow didn't know how to explain it to anyone. Not even to myself. As I started to shake I saw Brittany out of the corner of my eyes and what I saw was concern. She wasn't giving me a look that I was out of my mind. Still I had the hunch she didn't believe me and was only concerned that I had gone insane. "Want to go for a walk?" I asked her hoping to get her mind off of what I had just told her. When she nodded I got my brightest coat since it was such a cold day and we walked downstairs where I let my mom know we were going to go out. She agreed to let us go, after inviting Brittany back to dinner. My mind kept me from saying anything. Looking at Brittany, I saw that she kept looking at me half smiling. I didn't blame her, it's not everyday your best friend goes crazy. But I wasn't crazy. Was I?

Their front door clicked shut behind us as I pulled it closed. Cabbage stood up to greet us.
Allison shrieked and jumped back, "did you really have to bring that creepy dog along?" "Allison, it's okay. He'll be good." He slunk down the steps behind us as we took off, his big paws rhythmically pounding on the concrete walk. Allison stole a few glances at him, to make sure he was keeping a good ways away from her. A few cars passed as we walked down the street. A biker went by every now and then. Some lady was out jogging and passed us. I took a deep breath. We were always so comfortable just knowing we were together, but this time, we needed to have a conversation. A conversation about what was really going on. I wanted to clear this up. Could I? "Allison," I started. We stopped under a big tree, the sunshine shone through its leaves and into our eyes. I squinted to look at her. "What is going on with you? This isn't normal." I began to wonder if she even knew. 

This could be a problem. As Brittany started talking, my mind wandered until I heard, "We need to talk about it." I snapped my head towards her sighing. "Brittany I don't want to talk about it. There is no need as I see it." I could see she was about to argue but than her creepy dog decided that he was interested in coming near me. Before I knew it I changed completely into a greenish-pink Alien right in front of Brittany in that same instant. As soon as it happened I was back but I was not the same and I suspected Brittany thought so too. 

"Allison..." I heard my name being said but it meant nothing compare to the scare I gave my best friend. Facing her again I didn't smile nor did I move. Just stared down at the ground.. Finally after what seemed like awhile I looked up and smiled. "Brittany," I said, "I can't let anyone know because I'm afraid that what just happened might happen again but this time in public. But it would be kinda funny at the same time." Still no smile from Brittany. I looked sideways at her and noticed that she wasn't staring at me but at the sky...

"WHAT in the world just happened?!" my mind screamed within my head. Mentally, I was
freaking out. But I knew I needed to keep it together. For the sake of our sanity. Must...remain...calm... I took a deep breath. Whatever was going on, we needed to handle it. And we needed to handle it well. I looked up at the sky. Allison started to say something, but then stopped. I was thinking. I'm sure she was as well. "What if... what if, you really are an alien?" I asked barely above a whisper. My words rung in the silent air. The wind blew through the leaves of the tree above us. I shivered. "We should get back." With that, we started walking towards her house. Still thinking. Still wondering. And still freaked out. What else could we do? After making sure Allison was safely in her bedroom, I rushed back to my house and started tapping away on my computer. But I knew that I could contact doctors and scientists until my face turned blue without finding a solution. All they would want to do is stick her in some high- tech hospital for the rest of her life and study this strange "phenomenon." And THAT wasn't going to happen. "She's going to be okay..." I told myself, "she has to be." I woke up to Cabbage barking, only to realize I had fallen asleep. What was going on? I popped my head out the window. There was this bright colored bundle of something wiggling over our back fence. I didn't know why I was outside at 3 in the morning, but when you're not normal weird stuff happen. 

As I heard Cabbage barking I looked towards Brittany's window seeing her head looking out. I was almost tempted to go throw a pebble at her window but thought against it. Light flashed from behind me I turned around to feel the light of a flashlight in my face. "Who's out there," went Brittany's voice. Shuddering inside I felt ready to run but knew that would do no
good. But I didn't turn around hoping she would go back to her house so I could ran back to
mine. Before I knew it though, the wicked dog Cabbage started tearing at my leg and barking. I freaked out and started to run away and scream.

 Turning back to my room after closing the window, I blinked away the image of what I just saw. Either that was one wimpy burglar, or someone that... oh. It dawned on me. That must have been Allison. What was she doing running around at three in the morning? Something must be wrong. I pulled on some shoes as I tripped down the stairs and pulled a coat off the rack by the door on my way out. I hesitated on the porch then ran back inside. My mom would worry if I wasn't around when she got up in a few hours, so I left a note in the kitchen. Then I bolted out of the house and onto the freezing, abandoned street. No Allison in sight. Cabbage must have frightened her, I thought. Who wouldn't be scared of a giant black dog in the dead of night? Speaking of Cabbage, I should probably take him with me. Wandering the town in the dark with no protection was a bad idea. Was Allison alright? I asked myself. I was worried. It wasn't that far to her house, and I got there quicker as I ran; my feet pounding on the pavement matching my heart beat. The front door was locked when I got there (figures) and so I ran around to stand under her window. The light was on, and I could see her pacing back and forth. I frantically looked around the yard for a rock. I threw it at the window... a little too hard. It broke. She screamed really loud and I gasped from the grass below, clasping my hands over my mouth. A light on the first floor turned on; her parents. Great. Just what we needed. Allison threw the rock back at me and told me to hide. She pulled the curtains and dealt with her parents, explaining somehow what happened. I felt so terrible. This was turning into a disaster.


After getting talked to about my window I sat on my bed thinking. I need a plan. A plan to find out why I am an Alien. And I need to find it fast. Waking up late on a Wednesday morning I had thought of no plan. I rushed through getting ready for school, choosing my favorite autographed shirt which I pulled on along with a pair of worn but well loved jeans. Lastly I grabbed my brightest coat. Brushing my teeth, I heard my phone buzz signaling I got a text. I opened it seeing that it revealed a text from Brittany asking me to meet her after my choir practice at school. Wondering if it was about last night, I texted her back telling her to act like last night's weird happenings didn't happen. "Allison!" yelled my mom pulling me out of my daydream. Looking at the time I realized if I didn't hurry I'd be real late for school. That was one thing I didn't want to happen. I told my mom goodbye before running to the bus to greet a new day of school.  "Pretend like it didn't happen?" I asked her as we bumped along down the hall in between classes. She glanced side to side and whispered loudly, "Britt, I don't think this is a good time." Everyone was rushing to get to their classes last minute. Why do people do that? "This is ridiculous, as always," I said to her, changing the subject. She was right. This was a bad time. What was I thinking? I needed to act like a civilized human being. I stopped dead in my tracks and gave her a long look as she kept walking. 

She noticed I stopped and turned around. "What's wrong?" I know I'm a human being... but is she? And are we close to being civilized? Surely not. My thoughts ended abruptly when a football player leveled me as he dashed down the hall. It was Kyle. He offered me a hand up and apologized. You don't have time for boys! My brain screamed at me, You're in the middle of a crisis! He had kind eyes, and a nice smile... I tried to smile politely back, and explain that it's no big deal, and that I'm alright. He looked ready to start a conversation, and I told myself that I just needed to get out of there. Allison poked me back into reality and I flashed Kyle a smile before I left him wondering my name. "Sorry about that," I tell Allison. She was silent; this worried me. Her eyes darted about, nervous. And her brain was clearly elsewhere. I suddenly got an awful feeling that an Alien moment was coming on...
“No” my mind screamed, I wasn't ready for this...

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Kill them with Kindness

"Kind Heart, Fierce mind, Beautiful spirit."

What I love about Kelsea is that she has such a tender yet fierce love for people. Most people I look up their names and usually a word about them pops out of their name. Kelsea is such an old English name it always gets confused or mixed with Chelsea so I was unable to find a word that describes her. But as I kept thinking more about Her I kept hearing, fiercely loving which was two words and it felt so much like Kelsea. She's the kind of person that you feel complete safe talking with and she has so much gentleness and wisdom it's wonderful. I actually haven't known Kelsea as long as most of the people I've written about, but from the moment we met, I felt like 3 years becomes a lifetime of friendship mostly with her. I first met her when she was dating Peet. He was so excited for his friends and family to meet this amazing girl. The day she came for her first visit I had the privilege of being one of the first people to meet her. The first thing she did when she met me was by giving me a hug. Which would probably be one of the things you  wouldn't want to do as I am not a hugger or fond of them. But Kelsea is a hugger and as I grew to know her more and much about her, her hugs became something I almost started craving. Her hugs I remember thinking when comparing them that they made me imagine Jesus hugging me. She's a fantastic mom and as Grace her sister-in-law described her voice... She truly does have a voice like an angel.
Sometimes people in your life turn out to be better than you imagined them to be. Sometimes they're a little gift that you never expected to receive and then you always want to treasure it forever. Some people in your life are there to encourage your heart towards Jesus. She's a fierce loving friend!

Monday, September 17, 2018

Fear You don't own me

What is something that holds you back from being the person you were made to be? Something that stares at you in the face daily taunting you telling you that "you're going to fail and fail over and over." For me it's fear. Fear comes knocking on the door asking if she can stay awhile. You're already sitting with insecurity and anxiety and you think you'll end this gathering soon or they'll get bored and want to leave. So she's allowed in. After awhile you want them to leave, this gathering has become something that pulls you into something that hurts you. They trick you into thinking that this is how the world works. "This is how everyone is living." So by the time they decide to leave, it's only short lived and you're already feeling the weight and feelings that they brought the first time. So instead of shutting them out,  they're invited in once again. And this happens over and over. By the time you're worn down and start telling yourself "that you are going to fail, you're not worth it." Everyday becomes harder to get rid of the lies they bring. I was listening to a song during this time called the breakup song.  And one verse in the song says "There's no time for you in this story.. I don't have time for you anymore,  you don't get to tell me anything anymore  because fear you don't own me anymore." Those are the words Iwant to be telling my fear.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Penny for your thoughts?

Been thinking, so our culture is either shaming people or encouraging people to not be different. Let me explain this better. So I'm watching a movie where there's a girl who doesn't want to come out as gay because she's afraid of being different, there's another girl who's afraid to feel comfortable in her own skin because she used to be what she thought of herself being fat and ugly. And there's this girl who's transgender and even after the changes she made to her body she still doesn't feel comfortable in her own body. At what point is it where we quit shaming people or telling people they have to be something else?

As I look at myself in the mirror in the morning I'm not the person I want to see. I want to see this confident, Beautiful, outgoing secure woman who doesn't care at all what others think of her. But instead I feel the opposite, I feel ugly, my thoughts are ugly on a daily basis, I fear a ton of stuff. Never being able to have a strong relationship that I know won't crush me or hurt me, I feel reserve on a daily basis to people and lastly I feel every inch of insecurity taking a hold of me.

 I spend a lot of time around children, probably more time than around someone my age and as I spend time with them, I teach them that people around us deserve our love and support, even if we think differently of them instead of mouthing their differences tell them what makes them beautiful. I remember taking one of my friends' 3 kids to the park and there was this guy wearing a dress and lipstick and the oldest of the kids whispered in my ears "I wish he knows he's beautiful." She's 4 and even though she was too scared to tell him that, hearing those were the words she choose to come out of her mouth instead of judging him as most people even me sometime made me stop and realize what she said was true. Men look at the outward appearances while God looks at the heart. She was looking at him through God's eyes and not as man sees him on the outside.

Even as I sit here writing, I know there's no answer in to how one is to make feel better about themselves, to stop people from shaming people or telling people how they need to be or to be differently than they are. We need each other to build each other up instead of tearing each other down.

Monday, August 13, 2018

In My Room

A few years ago my cousin showed me a song from a band named Thousand Foot Krutch. It's called "In my room." Felt a little ironic because growing up I spent most of my room with my door shut away from people. So when she showed me this song, I didn't really like it at first. But as it was a popular song from Thousand Foot Krutch it was played on the radio station I used to listen to at that time. So it got stuck in my head which I decided to listen to it, really listen to it. And as I sat there listening I started crying. This part in the song had basically had been my cry the day Sarah died. "But can you meet me in my room. A place where I feel safe. Don't have to run away. And I can just be me" How often do we have a place where we can just cry, scream or a place that feel safe. For me it was my room, where I would cry, yell at God on many occasions, write stories. It was my safe place... As I'm writing this I'm sitting in my room. I've spent more time safe here than I have ever anywhere else. I resort here at the end of the day, or the beginning of the day.  This morning I met with my mentor and as we were talking I just started feeling a urge to think back on a moment when all this felt like it was crashing down. When I felt like I didn't really have a safe place to go to or someone to share. Because I currently wasn't going to talk to God because I wasn't speaking to him. But as I did then by dismissing the thought, I'm not writing the thought. Coming back to the present, as I sat listening to this song it became a song God using to call me to attention. It's time for me to go back in my room and listen.

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Only on earth there are tears.

I think about you daily. But it has gotten to the point where I want to hear your voice again and it's not there. Like the only memories left of you is your family. I remember always getting a happy birthday call from you since the year I remembered your birthday. Since then I tried remembering your family and my family's birthdays because they are so special to me. Bringing you fresh picked flowers (they were weeds but you didn't let me know that) and kept them in a jar and telling you that I wish I could buy you sushi because it was your favorite. When I decided that it's sad seeing people pick flowers you laughed and said "It one of the things I love about you, your heart is kind and tender." I miss emailing you to talk if I couldn't get to in person. Even if it took awhile to respond to you, I enjoyed it. How you always made time for me, I understand now how hard it is when you're busy.  Something that I wish you could see is how I have been trying to use my kind and tender heart for people. There are ways I'm leaving my sparkle for people. Life is full of tears but better dancing joyfully remembering beautiful souls like you that taught so much to people around them. Thanks for blessing me for 15 years of my life. "You'll be in my heart forever."

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Better Together Forever

The greatest thing to remember in this life is the people who are in your life. Whether they've been there for 19+ years,  you just met them yesterday or just see them once at the grocery store.  People are constantly changing people, leaving a mark or impact in one another's lives and sometimes we just don't see it. Sometimes we see the world only through our eyes and think if we're not getting or receiving what the world is giving us then something is wrong with this world. Growing up in a christian home that for as long as I could remember we were constantly told to be in the world but not of it, or to treat someone like they were a hundred dollar, treat them like they were of value. But after my brother Preston accidentally throw a hundred dollar in the fire I realized that not everyone sees it like that. Not everyone is going to see a kid being bully as someone they value. Some people just throw away dollars and so it may not apply to everyone. People have more value than the things we think we need. We need each other. We need people to shape and change us for the better and even for the worst.  We're better together loving each other.

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Cinderella Retold (My version)


We all know and love the story of Cinderella. But Sadly it wasn’t really what really happened. I mean the version was written by some person who heard it told so many different ways that he probably decided to come up with his own. But let’s not lead you astray from the real story of a young girl named Ella. So get all settled and comfortable because this story is anything but comfortable.

Ella, Unsure of her last name was dearly loved by her parents. Her mom was well known in the small town they lived in. She was kind, fair and of course beautiful. Ella was her prize and joy, for she was 3 times her mom’s beauty so her mom always wanted to show her off. But she would always remind Ella that “Beauty has nothing to do with looks, it has everything to do with who you are as a person and how you make others feel about themselves.” She hoped that teaching Ella to be kind to others and helping others and not worrying only about herself, she would be make the world a better place. Everyone loved Brielle for she possessed everything a good queen possessed and more though she was the wife of an apothecary. She also was an amazing seamstress/dressmaker. The royal family would often order new attire from her as no one’s gowns were as exquisitely beautifully made as hers. Ella loved watching her mom create gowns. When she turned 6 her mom started teaching her the basic hemming and stitching. By the time she was 10 Ella made her first gown for her doll Agatha who was her most treasured doll. She lived such a happy carefree life. Her parents adored her as well as the villagers. It seemed like nothing could ruin her happiness or steal her joy.

But her happiness was short lived. On her 12th birthday her mother heard of a family who didn’t have much as they had just moved and their father had just died a few months prior to their move. So she loaded a basket full of goodies and took it to the family. She never returned. No one knew what happened and when Ella and her father discovered her disappearance they went to the family. But the family was gone. No sign of any family living there. The search for Brielle went on for weeks until they gave up and assumed she was truly gone. Ella saw the joy in her father’s eyes disappear but he never let his love for her disappear.

A month before her 13h birthday her father traveled two towns over on a business matter as he had sold his store and took up merchant trips to avoid being home in the house he built and lived with Brielle. He left her in the care of the new store owner who used to be an apprentice under him. He was gone for a month and when he came back he was not alone. He had married a widow who was strikingly beautiful but jealousy and hatred took over creating an evil stepmother. Her daughters Carissa and Evian weren’t ugly or stupid they just allow what their mom say about them affect them negatively and therefore created something in them that wasn’t them but they believed it was them.

Ella as much as she had a father and loved him dearly his trips became longer and longer where he was gone for months on end leaving her to be poorly treated by her new step family. Before he was off on his travels he would ask each girl what they wanted him to bring back. Her step sisters would always ask for clothing of the latest fashion or jewelry while Ella always said the first thing that reminded her father of his daughter. He left for 4 months and when the 4 months were over and he was due home Ella would sit by the window in the sitting room looking out for the first glance of her father. But a day went by and he never returned, a week, two weeks and there was no sign of her father. Word came to them that his ship was attacked by pirates who never left any prisoners alive. She wept for her father for many weeks on end.

Because her father had been providing them with a daily income from his travel and her stepmother had no talents to support them they soon became lacking in money. When she noticed how skilled Ella became in sewing she forced Ella to make her and her daughters dresses which they would parade through town. People would notice and ask about the dresses. To which they created would force her to create dresses to support them. On top of that they forced her to clean their messes and cook for them.

As badly as she was treated Ella remembered her mother’s words “Beauty has nothing to do with looks, it has everything to do with who you are as a person and how you make others feel about themselves. Kill them with kindness and in return you’ll feel unspeakable joy arising.” As much as that didn’t make sense at the time, she knew her mother was trying to tell her that always be kind to others for in doing so you’ll always find joy. She found joy in creating her dresses they made her feel close to her mother. They used to spend hours sitting, sewing and talking. She dearly missed that but felt comforted by creating dresses.

George was a spoiled Prince who had everything handed to him. As he grew older he got tired of the spoiling and the pampering as they never let him do what he really wanted to do. They kept him indoors or in the garden. He was never allowed to go into the village and mingle with the villagers until he was prepping to take over the throne. By then he was allowed to go once a month and he had to have soldiers protecting him at all times during the village visits. One day he couldn’t stand it no more and he snuck out while everyone in the castle was asleep. He wondered past the village into the woods to just breathe and collect his thoughts. This became a routine of his.

Ella was just yelled at and slapped for being late for prepping the evening meal because she was dilly dallying on her chores. She tried holding back the tears. When they had eaten and had gone to bed she ran out of the house away from the village finding herself in the woods. Where there she wept like she had never wept before. She couldn’t take it any longer, life was so difficult, no matter how hard she tried nothing was perfect in her stepmother’s eyes. She missed her mother, missed her dad, her friends everything that once was perfect and happy.

George heard a sound...it sounded like crying...But no one was ever in the woods at this time of night. Curiosity got ahold of him and he found himself falling the sound to where it lead him to a girl sitting on a log crying. He hated tears, his little sisters were always in tears being reprimanded by their father being told that tears made them feel week. But seeing as she was weeping and beautiful he would admit, he was moved by her tears. He walked up to her and asked if she was alright.

Ella through her tears couldn’t believe how stupid this random stranger was by asking if she was alright when she was certain he heard her crying. She wiped her tears with hem of her skirt and told him she was alright and cringed when she lied, there was rarely a time she lied to someone less a stranger. It made her start crying and an hour later she realized that she had told a complete stranger her entire life story. It must have been an emotional night for him as well for he told her how awful it was being pampered and not allowed having real friends or going anywhere. How he wished sometimes he wasn’t a prince. Ella was shocked to find out she was talking to the prince, the prince her stepsisters mentioned always wanting to me and one day marry. The same prince her stepmom had been prepping her daughters to impressed in hopes that he might love (though she knew nothing of love) and marry her instead of a princess, duchess or a lady of the royal court.

As George was listening he realized how lucky he had it to live in a castle and be waited on hands and feet. For this poor girl lost both of her parents and was being treated as a slave in her own home. It then got him an idea, it was getting close to his birthday and he thought it was a wonderful idea to invite the entire kingdom to attend his celebration. He was about to express his birthday idea when he noticed she was gone, without a goodbye.

Ella noticed it was getting light and knew she couldn’t be late to start on her chores, if she was behind on chores she would be late in waking up her step family and knew her stepmother didn’t like to be awoken late. The rest of the day went on as usually. Being yelled constantly for little mistakes or things that didn’t met her stepmother’s approval. The next day when she went to get the mail she saw an invitation from the palace. She gave the invitation to her stepmother and stayed in the room while she opened knowing she might get in trouble but wanted to hear what it was about. The prince was having a birthday celebration in honor of him turning 18 and everyone was required to take a day off work and attend. Ella knew that she was going to have extra work making new gowns and suits for the ball that even if she wanted to take the day off to attend it was quite impossible. Her stepmother was thinking the same thing except of easing her burden added to it.

On the day of the celebration Ella was too exhausted to want to attend. She had sewn 34 dresses, 23 suits 46 skirts and practically redid her step family’s wardrobe. She was happy that she didn’t have to do any chores the day of the celebration but knew if they didn’t get done today her stepmother would find someway to add more chores tomorrow. So she did her chores and extra. She watched her step family ride off in the carriage the palace provided for them before heading to bed.

She awoken the next morning to screams in the house followed by her name being yelled. She got up and found her step sisters standing on top of the table and her step mother sweeping at something? She saw something furry skitter past them and towards her. It was a mouse, their cat was nowhere to be found. She decided she was going to let them deal with that and got breakfast ready knowing they never were mad when stuffing their face. Her stepsister at breakfast talked about the prince’s birthday and how the prince disappeared the entire evening but they danced with 2 dukes so they barely noticed his disappearance.

three year later

She went out to get the mail and once again there was an invitation from the palace. Inviting all eligible lady to a ball in the prince’s honor, there had been 8 balls, celebration in the prince’s honor all of which he was always missing. But this one was different. This one the prince was to find a wife for he was to be crown king 3 months later. Ella had never attended any of the balls as she was too exhausted from sewing new dresses and suits for them all.

As she watched her step family get in the carriages to leave she felt really sad. Sad enough that tears were running down her face. She ran into the woods to the place where she had first met the prince and cried. Cried so much she didn’t see her fairy godmother appear but got startled by her instead. When she asked what was matter she told her how she wish she could go to the ball but she hadn’t had time or energy to make herself a dress. Her fairy godmother told her that she was here to make her dreams come true. First had her gather the biggest berry she could find and turned it into the most beautiful coach Ella had ever seen. After Ella gathered field mice, deer, porcupine and watched them all transform into a coachmen driver and footman. Then her stepmother gave her a cup and told her to drink it. It gave her the energy she needed to dance. She then transformed Ella’s outfit to a dress that made the queen jealous of. And with a pat on her head and telling her not to stay past midnight for when it strikes 12 everything would be just as it was before and sent her off to the palace.

She arrived at the palace and hurried into the ballroom. Every head turned and all eyes seemed to be on her as she walked down the stairs onto the dance floor. She couldn’t understand why they were all staring at her. Her step family looked as if as they had never seen her before as well as everyone she ever made
“Who was this girl?” George didn’t think he had ever seen her around. He walked down from his throne to ask her to dance with him but she was already being asked by another gentleman. He watched as she was being asked by almost all the eligible gentlemen. He was determine to dance with her, so when he saw she was standing by talking he went and asked her to dance. Oh he could have danced the rest of the night away with her. But he wanted to just spend time with her and get to know her. So he asked if she wanted to walk in his garden with him

The prince was enchanting. He was more wonderful than the night they talked 3 years ago. His heart was caring, pure and everything her mother had taught her. She wished she could spend all evening talking to him but she knew that the clock would soon strike midnight and this wonderful evening would be just a memory she would hold close to her heart. And just like that the clock started ringing to signal it was close to midnight..She looked at the prince and told him she had to leave and she took off running. She could hear him calling for her to come back. She could hear him running after her. As she ran down the steps she misplace a step causing her to lose a shoe. She couldn’t turn back and grab it as the clock was ticking. So she ran to her carriage, where her carriage took her back to her home. Arriving safely and before her step family. She climb into bed hoping when she woke up again this all wouldn’t be a dream.

Back at the ball while the guests were still dancing and chatting far into the night. George approached his father and told him of his wonder evening, though he knew his dad wanted him to pick his bride right then and there, George had picked his bride years ago and had a feeling in his gut that the girl he danced with was the same girl he had met in the woods. So when his father asked if he had picked a bride George told him that she had gotten away and left behind only a small glass slipper. George told his father that he would marry the girl that the glass slipper fit.

Ella was surprised when her step family let her sleep in. When she arose she was shocked to see the sun was shining brightly as if it was mid morning. Her step family though they didn’t wake her were in a tizzy. Word got out that the prince had chosen his bride. The mysterious girl from the ball and the royal shoe fitter was coming to every lady in the kingdom to have all the ladies try on this glass slipper. Ella was pretty excited hearing about this. She thought that she was dreaming. She went on with her day making it as normal as it was after all the others balls had been. She was coming back from town when she saw the royal carriage that brought the royal shoe fitter in. Her younger stepsister had just tried fitting it on when she walked in the room. Her step mother tried blocking so that she couldn’t after the shoe could fit her younger stepsister but correction from the royal guard stopped her.

She sat down in the chair that her step sisters had been sitting on. Looked at the glass slipper wondering how it hadn’t turn into her regular shoes as her other had. But then remember that both of her shoes showed up. Believing it was her fairy god mother’s last chance at helping her she put her fit in the slipper where it slide in as if it was made for her.

The whole room was silent and speechless, well mostly her step family. In a flash she was being led out of the only place she knew and into the carriage that lead them towards the castle. All while her step family stood there still gaping and speechless.

George was pacing the floor of the throne room anxiously hoping that the shoe fitting wasn’t a stupid idea and didn’t bring back a pretty girl. When the royal announcer announced that they found the girl that fit the shoe George was excited but stayed in his spot waiting. When he saw Ella he knew she was the girl he danced with at the ball and when she spoke knew she was the girl from the woods.


Well you could say that they lived happily ever after. Ella as much as her life changed didn’t want too much of her life to change. She felt compassion on her step family and had her step sisters married richly and taught her stepmother the fine trade of sewing. She wouldn’t allow any of her servants or step mother make her clothes for sewing made her feel close to her mom. Oh were you wondering if her parents ever died? Well turns out that her parents didn’t die. Her mom when she helped that family she fell ill after catching the sickness they had. Was left to die because the family all died except for one child. Someone discovered them and since they were both at the point of death couldn’t remember anything from their past lives. Her father heard that his wife was alive and not wanting to get Ella's hopes up went in searching for his wife as while filing divorce papers from her step mother. His ship got lost at sea but he survived and found his way onto this island where no one spoke his language. Took him 4 years to learn the language and by then he had lost hope of being reunited with his family. But something kept him going. Ella’s faith that her parents were still with her. They were reunited and though Ella tried talking them into living in the castle with George and her they declined and went to live in the cottage house. Ella was finally happy again.

Monday, May 14, 2018

Outstanding with passion

"A river cuts through a rock not because of its power but because of its persistence." -Unknown

Petra-Means rock.She's a steady rock. Rocks were things she used to collect when she was younger, I never understood why she would just have a pile of the same looking rocks sitting on her shelf. When I asked her why she was collecting rocks she responded "My name means rock so I have to like a rock." She's always been a strange person but you love her strangeness. She can make you laugh when you don't know why you're laughing. She can make life feel like a big show that is always entertaining with tons of laughs that keep you laughing for days. A great conversationalist who no matter doesn't understand or follows what you're saying cares enough to keep listening.She's a motivator and encourager. Has a strong desire to see the young generation following the Lord.
From such a small age she has had a big heart, I think sometimes she may have a bigger heart than the rest of us but each of my siblings heart is big in different ways. If you don't know Petra you're missing out on a gem of a person.