What Loves Really Means For Me

 One of the things I've noticed over the years is how relationships can change everything or anything. For example when I was in middle school I met this girl through my cousins' best friends. She was my cousin's best friend's cousin. I used to think it was the greatest thing ever. We were friends for 9 years and she became my best friend. She knew everything about me and was so easy to talk to and gave amazing advice. She was exactly what I needed in my childhood of life. I felt secure and loved through my one safe friendship. But the moment I was told by her that she couldn't balance our friendship anymore it changed everything. Everything felt broken and I never thought I was ever going to move through it. Even as I grew to friendlier and develop friendships/relationships with people, my heart was never fully in them.

 Another example is Love: I grew up in a loving, amazing home. Parents loved each other, siblings got along pretty well with each other but as I grew up and could fully understand what love was, I started hating it. Love took too many of the people I loved, I had no desire to fall in love with anyone just to have them leave me or die. Many people have asked me if I believe in love or think I'll ever find love. My response to them has always been this: "I'm not against it, I'm terrified of it. But I don't believe I'll never find it. I found it again 6 years ago when one of the sweetest girl that I love was born, and again when I became an aunt for the first time and 5 more times after that. It's continues to show me what it really means the more I choose not to be afraid of it." Because I don't say I love you to every friend, family member doesn't mean I don't love them. For me Love isn't the words I say. It's when my mom asks me to fill the dishwasher and not only do I do that but I clean the whole kitchen. It's asking a mom if I could watch her kids so she could spend time to herself. It's in so many ways I choose to use my friends and family's love language and go beyond mine. 

In the 4ish years I have discovered 1. friendship/relationships have shaped me in many ways. 2. I still feel the same about friendships/relationships as I did 4 years ago. They take so much work and by the end of the day I feel empty. 3. Reading this I am so Thankful that even in moments I totally hate love the people in my life still continue to pour love into my life. And some remind me that love is not proud, rude, anger, self-seeking, keeps no record of wrong and never delights in evil. And it all comes from the one who is love. 4. Love is scary but it is one of the best feelings. It's a hug, a kiss, a smile and a giggle, note, song and even a gift and it grows. 

Dear Younger Me

 This is me, a lover of all things girly since I could remember. Who can't stand when things don't match but will silently contemplate why someone would wear stuff that doesn't match. Who still seems shy or maybe just overwhelmed so I stay silent while surveying my surroundings. Who it took years to be vulnerable to share this with more than my journal. Someone who looks at this picture every year and cries. Crying because I wish I could provide comfort for the unknown questions that just seems to go in a circle when all she wants is the answers and peace. Crying because it won't change anything in her life but at least give her peace. Crying because I remember that day like you remember what you wore on your wedding day and it was one of the most terrifying moment in my life but I wouldn't change it for the world. Crying because I love this picture so much. This little girl didn't know what she was walking into but she is ever so grateful for the opportunity she was given. The second chance to a better life, a family who does love her even if she doesn't want to receive it all the time. Friends in her life and just a abundance of life with oh so many sweet surprises and gifts. I may never know my past beyond what I do remember but I know that my future has hope. And every day I think it wish life was much different I remember all the good things in my life and all the good things to come.  

Life is an Adventure

 "Life takes you to unexpected places." Tonight I was looking on Pinterest for ideas for a story I was working on and that quote caught my attention and my entire mind went to a place in my life that I have often thought about as I got older. Why do we plan for our future when life comes along and doesn't even ask you if you want a ride but holds out it's hand and away you go. When I was 9 years old I made out my life. Finish school, go to college to get better at drawing and baking (I couldn't decide what I wanted to do, but none seem too much of an interest to pursue) graduate at 20, meet my husband. Become certified to be a foster parent at 21, Get married at 21  and have my first kid at 22. Until age 27 work at an amazing job. Age 28, quite your job to be a stay at home foster parent/parent to your bio kid. Have another kid at 30 and continue fostering until I was 50. And die old after my grandparents die... I didn't know then that planning your future can start to happen but you got to be okay with the fact that your future may look slightly different than you plan. I mean look at me, I'm 24 and I am not married and the only thing I've completed from that is becoming a certified foster parent. Well completed classes for it. It's crazy how I look back at my 9 year old self and see such dreams and desires but I look at myself today and I see some different dreams and desires and the beauty of it is that, Life takes you to unexpected places and in those places you dream, desire, grow, feel pain, rejection, hurt, joy, laughter and so much more than you could have imagined. So to my 9 year old self, your dreams and plans for the future aren't going to be exactly what you want at all times, some of it changed or just alter a step and you are doing great. I still don't understand why we plan for our future to allow life take us to different places but accept the ride it gives you as long as you can have control or reign in where it takes you. Because you might miss out on so much of what it brings.

Where There's a Way There's Hope!

 It's been a little while since I've updated about myself. I've just have been posting my thoughts and prayers on here for some time. Well still in a world wide pandemic that everyone hoped it would last a couple of weeks but we've been in it for 8 months with no hope in site of things ever getting back to normal. Which people have been calling this the new normal, but I don't want this to be the new normal. Where you walk into the grocery store and people are wearing mask, judge you if you wear your mask wrong. Where everyone tries to not be in 6 ft of you and will avoid going down the aisle you're in because even if they are in a hurry or need to be in that aisle it is so much better to just glare someone down. (I've had this happen to me countless times) People can't worship in their building without mask, no hugs, handshakes or smiles are allowed in fear of spreading. Masks covering up smiles and muffling sounds.  I really don't want that as my new normal. I want to see more smiles and less frowns and judging stares. I want us to be able to go out and help people who are struggling instead of saying a prayer from our own space. I want a busy life where I see people thriving and not people using their social media as a way to thrive. During this time I've been really enjoying the time I have been spending with the small circle of friends but oh it gets pretty lonely when you hope on social media and the people you get to see once a week or more but can't because of this virus are posting about things in life they're doing and you feel the sadness of just not able to hang out with them. I long for the days where socializing was a really good thing and not a judgmental thing if you do. I long for the days we can feel safe our other humans enough for hugs (yes I said hugs) and faceless smiles.

I remember at the beginning of this year I asked the Lord for a year of growth. a year where he would show me things in me that I needed to work on or things in me that he wanted to work on through me. I wanted to find ways to help people in ways that I was feeling led but to afraid to step out in. I also remember one night just extremely burnt out from people. My weeks felt so busy and out of control and I was ready to cry in overwhelmness. I remember asking him for a pull back moment where I could just breathe and rest... Like really rest. And then this happened which I definitely was dancing in excitement of my responsibilities lessened and my body could rest. Well fast forward 8 months. Everything has opened bits and bits where everyone is getting so done with this. I'm sitting on my bed writing while I'm wondering "What do we need to change in order for us to move through this?" What does the Lord want for us during this crazy, fearful and now annoying time? Because while I'm sitting here waiting on the Lord I know there's so many people without hope in the Lord. No idea if their question all on this is ever going to be answered or if there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Covid says we can't do so many things without masked and 6ft apart but I know what I can be doing right now that doesn't even have to break any rules. I can pray and ask the Lord daily for giving each and everyone strength and hope for tomorrow. I want to be able to do that daily especially on days I feel hopeless or even how I have been feeling the last 2 weeks.. Super stressed and anxious. So though I didn't really do too much updating you all. I feel like I just let you into my brain processing of 3 months. And that was just the short version of it.

So long Summer!

 Summer thanks for giving me a great but confusing summer. For staying warm past August as it's September 6th and supposed to be getting hotter this week. Showing me that you can't make plans with anybody these days anymore unless they're 6 ft apart or a safe distance when I wish people got the memo from me way better this virus showed up. Creating little moments of joy, like spending extra time with my family from Indonesia, walks by myself, even though most of them have been at night, when I can't sleep. For the moments of really getting to know the people who are or have been your quarantine buddies and enjoying just the little things in life. For not completely taking away my summer because it is what keeps me going. The endless amounts of sun, warmth and happiness. Getting the ability to really take time for myself even though most of the time I still am caring for others and I don't think that will ever stop. But can I be honest with you? I don't love the idea of you leaving me so soon, I get you for 3 months and then winter/fall/spring all mashed together for 9 months, 9 months of rain/cloud and a rare year of snow once in a while. You bring out the best in me and every year you teach me something valuable, whether it's about me/people or the world. This year you taught me how I just need to get to know myself and learn to love who I'm becoming even if it isn't who I have been trying to be all year. Accept the growth I'm experiencing in some areas of my life and I am surrounded by people who love me even if I doubt their words and want action. But another honest moment, I don't want to spend another summer with my camera filled with just the kids I watch or hang out and not hanging out with people. I will always have my place with kids but they don't need to satisfy my loneliness that I want others to fill. But to spend time with them out of joy and love for them. I realized that I started going down the path of only kids and their moms enjoy my company and I don't want to be believe that lie. So summer when we meet again next year, I hope to love more, be patient and understanding about people and trust those who love me and want me in their lives and it's not just mom's and their kids. And most of all, My relationship with the Lord get out of this weird rut. No more wrestling with him. But until we meet again!

To Wear or Not to Wear

 Had a conversation this afternoon that someone was told that dreads were only a black person thing. I told that person that I hate that people think dreads are only for black people when I knew so many people who weren't black that wore dreads well. And I know that it's probably just me but however you choose to do your hair shouldn't label you based on your color or gender. I've been wanting to shave half of my head for many years but I haven't done it only because my hair on the side takes like a decade to grow (totally exaggerating but it takes more than a year)  and not what the world categorizes it as. I used to believe because I was told that half shaved head meant you were a lesbian in your 30's which I was barely out of high school. So all this to say, ugh I hate that I was taught that way about hair.  If you want to wear your hair in extensions like what I'm wearing please do, people have been wearing hair extensions for years,( I've seen braided extensions on more than just black women) just don't do it to make fun of people. Wear it because you want to and you feel beautiful, shave half of your head, I'd have it if I could. Dread your hair Dye those hair cut off all your hair... Life is too short to be telling culture/ races that hairstyle and hair only belongs to one culture/races because since we live in a world where we shouldn't care what people think, why should we care. I told the person who I was talking to "You look beautiful in your own special way that I don't look beautiful in, so if you feel beautiful in dreads, because I don't then please dread your hair if that's something you want to do." I love how we're all created beautiful in so many different ways. And we need to continue reminding ourselves, our friends, family and even people we bump into. I personally love when a stranger compliments about my hair. They don't just tell me oh I love your hair. Sometimes I get Wow I love how well it fits you or how great you look with it. I sometimes compliment a stranger in the same way with their hair and I believe that being told that you are beautiful helps you to be reminded or reminds yourself that you are beautiful. Because trust me I don't feel beautiful in some of my hairstyles Orin how I'm dressed or feel. But being reminded by a stranger helps me to see that I am even if I don't believe it. Also compliments are hard hearing when you don't believe in them.  So be your beautiful self. Wear your hair however you want to wear it. If it doesn't offend culture/race and you have a good heart (not making fun of) wear your hair that way you want it. 

Let's Go Dancing Instead

Someone asked me to give an update on me. Am I the only one who feels like I just gave one on myself? Well I guess it works well because I just downloaded pictures taken of me from last week.  So Here's a bit on me but updated I guess. It's Summertime and I'm really enjoying this hot weather, not really going anywhere much except for bible study and watching 5 little boys. I dearly miss being able to plan events for other people. Covid life is making people have drive by parties and I really miss the intimate gathering that happen. So since I'm not able to make that happen I've been doing a lot more writing and playing board games, card games and a lot of thinking about things in life. I'm dreaming of days where I don't beat myself up for making the littlest mistakes or striving to be perfect in a world that is anything but perfect. And maybe waiting for my happily ever after because what girl doesn't dream of a happily ever after. So for now I'm trying to set a new plan for my life. When Covid changed my travel plans (honestly not angry about that) and my school plans, I've had to readjust my life. Which leaves me in the place I'm in. Learning patience is really a virtue and people are struggling in the same way as me, even if I only want to see their faults. And choosing to love people, Covid has really made it easy to get in an argument with someone and instead of choosing to hear them out and even if I don't agree with them choosing to just listen and not so quick to speak. I've also been rediscovering things I never knew I liked or still dislike so I guess in a way Covid has been everything. It's been hard, challenging, bittersweet and rewarding. But don't get me wrong I'm totally ready for what's trying to be our new normal to end in a way people can resume their lives. Where fear as it is for me has no place here, friendships aren't tested and ended because we can't agree and would rather fight to be right than fight together to end things in the world we weren't aware of.  Where love is still as strong as a tree planted in the ground. I got to work on my analogy but I hope you get the point.  

So until I can get back to planning events and attend school without fear of risking other people's lives, I'll be creating more blog pieces and listening to music and  going on long bike rides. So here's my updated life

In My Room

Just today or more like yesterday because where it's 1:10 in the morning and I should be sound asleep I'm wide awake with a  headache that just won't go away I'm awake. But today/yesterday while I was making dinner a song came on my playlist on Spotify that I was listening to. It was a little strange because I have heard the song over and over again. It got me through many stuck times in my life, many sleepless nights like tonight but I never really thought too much about it. The song is called In My Room by Thousand Foot Krutch and I never really listen to them much in the years they were popular with the Christian kids. But I felt something when my cousin showed me the song, this called me to play it over and over and over again. It's been played over 880 times according to Spotify. But I'm rabbit trailing big time. As I was making dinner and listening to the song. A line in the song caught my attention "But can you meet me in my room, a place where I feel safe, don't have to run away and I can just be me." I listened to the story behind the song ( This band has some pretty neat stories about their lives and the songs they wrote) and it was talking about how people can go about their lives and whenever they feel stuck in a place where they are struggling it's hard to find a safe place to meet/talk because it doesn't feel safe. The song was talking about asking Jesus to meet us in our room (not our bedroom but anyplace we feel safe to talk to him. For the lead singer his room as through his songs and the relationship he has with the Lord. It got me really thinking. For me usually when I'm in that place my safest place is my room and it has always been. As a child and even as an adult I spent most of my life in my room, my haven/safe place. Most teenagers spend a good portion of their teen years locking themselves in their room. It has never occurred to me that the whole song I was listening to was asking the Lord to me you in your room, your safe place where you can have any conversation with the Lord. Not necessarily it had to be"your room." It might make this song seem more spiritual and religious but I guess what I'm getting at is this. Whether your a Christian or non Christian find your safe place and if you're a Christian meet the Lord there. If you're a non Christian keep that as your safe thinking/processing life and goals place. It's important to have a place where you don't have to run away and can just be you.

Birthdays are God's gift to the World

So I have never shared my love and thoughts about birthdays. It always came as a shock to me that some people didn't like their birthday as it brought a reminder of them getting old or they had horrible memories of terrible birthdays. As I got older I began to understand that. In a little over 3 weeks I will be celebrating my 24th birthday. A age that makes me feel like I'm getting older. But as I thought about their reasons and logic, as much as it made sense, I didn't feel the same way and that is totally ok. So here's my thoughts on why I love birthdays and celebrating them, whether they're big ones or small ones. I for one lost my birth family pretty young, I never got to hear my birth story. In my family on our birthdays we used to beg our dad to tell our birth story 😂 always from his point of view while my mom corrected it. Mine always started the same and ended the same. Enough to make one never want to hear it again. Which we don't anymore ( thank goodness). Well I decided I wanted my birthday to be a happy reminder to myself of the life I have and not the life I had or was born into. My goal was to make each birthday something I was thankful for having and make sure I was celebrating with the people I loved. Because if I'm going to be celebrating me one day of the year, I want it to be something I look forward to every year. And every year I end it with what I am thankful for. Because a heart of thankfulness on your special day is really important and makes it more rich. So for as long as I'm living to celebrate a birthday, I want to be reminded of all the good in it and end it on a heart of thankfulness and know that I am worth celebrating. Just like you are worth celebrating on your birthday.

I wish.... I was More Loving

To the media and the world... I wish I wasn't black... You hate me, I hate me. Racism is absolutely the source right now feeding my depression. I hate having my thoughts only be heard through my writing when all I need is a conversation about this but it has become such a touchy subject for some yet others actually care about black lives and other lives. Please explain to me why this is happening. Please tell me how we can make that change and how much we need each other... I say this often because I firmly believe it... We need each other. Our strength lifts up those who didn't think they were strong enough on their own. Our weakness become a joint effort if we ask for help. So why are we hating or afraid of people who look different than us. We were made all in the image of God and his perfection is made strong in our weakness. He saw each of us beautifully made. Racism is absolutely the worse feeling I've ever felt, I hate how people can take pride in bringing people down or harming people because they feel they are making the world a better place. It's not just so you know. And just so you know, I'm not perfect, I have fears that can stretch from where I was born to where I live right now. I have hurts a mile long I've done to other people and I have definitely thought some unpleasant thoughts about someone who has wrong me. But God is greater in all of this, he's been working on my heart for the last 8,395 days I've been on this planet and he's still continuing to do so. So media world. Yes I hate being black (I have for as long as I could remember) but I hate being racist more. I hate the word hate. I'm willing to love being black, and all those who wronged me, my neighbor,g family member, people will have special needs, people with disability, people who doesn't have the same color as me if you are willing to love yourself, your neighbor, family member, a person who did you wrongly, a gay, a person with special needs, people with disability and a person who doesn't have the same color as you.  Let's change the world.

To God.... What was your purpose in making me black, making people different from each other? Does looking down and seeing all the pain, suffering, war and violence, hatred and anger make you feel sad as I feel right now? What can I do to change what is going on in my neighborhood, in my house. Please continue to change my heart towards people. Show me how I can show love to those I have the hardest time loving. Just like in a sidewalk prophet song "Till you are my breath, my everything, Lord just keep making me."

Stronger Than You Think You Are

You know what it's like to be really disappointed? I couldn't wait to turn 21 because when I turned 21 my first drink was going to be a bloody Mary. I saw movies of all types of drinks but bloody Mary had my heart. Well 3 days before my 21 birthday a friend and I were talking about what my first drink was and I causally said a bloody Mary. That friend was shocked and asked if I knew what it was. And then proceeded to tell me that tomato juice was a big factor in the drink. No one ever feel inclined to mention that to me in any of the moments I had talked about drinking a bloody Mary. They all knew I hate tomatoes and I guess maybe they thought I knew and thought it was weird to be choosing a drink with something in it I didn't like .That's not my biggest disappointment. One of my disappointments is in humans. Right now all around the states there are riots happening because of how one of the systems who should be protecting everyone has been killing innocent people and walking away as if their not to blame. I'm disappointed in how we're treating people. Races, gender, religions. We've allowed so much hatred and corruption deter us from seeing Love, Friendship, compassion and faith. I'm disappointed to look at this world and have to ask myself "Where is the Love?" I'm disappointed at myself for even being one of those people who is often treated people in ways they shouldn't be treated. Not loving them in ways I should be. Lifting up people I'm around with kind words and praying for those who I have a hard time loving. Sometime this week, I kept getting messages from strangers and one kept messaging me asking if I needed protection or if I felt fearful because I was black. And why I didn't share any black lives matter post people were resharing on social media. Don't get me wrong black lives matter as well as every lives matter. I have felt physical pain all week hearing about the news about innocent people dying by people full of hatred and it's wrong and sad.  I believe people are made for better things than they think they are. I believe people can change their hearts and as long as they believe that they can be the change they want to see their lives change. And lastly I believe people who have Jesus in them will forever be living their lives for him and not for themselves. I'm not just writing this for people to read, I'm writing it for myself as well. I know this whole thing is a jumbo mess of writing but I want you to take away one thing from this. Look like love, like Jesus who is love, gracious, just, comforter, near to the brokenhearted, peace and truth. I end this with confidence and trust in humanity. We are stronger together and even stronger with Jesus at our side.

A Wonder and Delight

To the little girl I call Popcorn. Maybe you don't know what it is that makes you so special to me. You hold such a special place in my heart just like the rest of your siblings. You were born in a time in my life when I needed happiness. I'll tell you a little secret about you that makes you so special. God created you and was so excited to share you with your parents, two older sisters and older brother, your grandparents and many aunt's, uncles and cousins. He wanted to share the gift to the world. You are his gift and every year I am so blessed having you in my life. Do you know why you gained the nickname Popcorn? Not because you love popcorn, there's other food you could have been called because of your love for but, when your sister Ella was your age (almost 6 and your mom was pregnant with you) I was sitting in their bedroom, I asked Ella if she was so excited to have a baby sister and what name she wanted to call you. She said I want her to be called popcorn. She never called you popcorn but from that day I called you popcorn. Mostly as I have watched you grow, you always seem to surprise me in a way like popcorn pops. Full of fun surprises some I'm not ready for but in the end I love most of them. Thanks for bringing surprise and joy to my life. Do life big Sarah darling and never forget to dream big!

Smiling's my Favorite!

This year I decided to truly love myself, I have never been able to see myself much or like what the people around me see in me or me as. If you know me compliments are hard, I love them but receiving them as truth is so so hard. Yesterday a friend of mine posted on Facebook about learning to love yourself and seeing yourself as God sees you and going through a journey of doing that giving yourself self-love and areas that you don't see yourself. And it had a thing where you posted a picture that someone took of you and where you felt beautiful or any pictures of you where you felt beautiful. I came across a whole year's worth of pictures well selfies that I took that I thought I had deleted off of my phone but they went to my Google pictures instead. (I completely deleting a lot of them) This is not a share pictures of you where you feel beautiful and tag someone type of post this is more of a post reminding myself that I am growing or learning to love myself and it will take time and practice reminding myself this. So I only choose one picture of me. No makeup, (rarely wear it anymore these days) no filter to make the picture look better. And no glasses so I can see what my eyes look like. What I love about this picture is my smile. I used to tell myself as a child that my smile was going to be the thing that drew people to me. If I would grow to be ugly I wanted my smile to be what made me feel beautiful. I didn't grow up ugly 😂 but God gave me my smile and now that it's not crooked it's my favorite thing about me. Okay I'm done.